What a week...written in December

When I'm in a funk/depression about a relationship, I do stupid things. And when I say stupid things, I mean like married men. Well, just one married man, and only like once a year, and always drunk... And another "off limits" (but for other reasons) kind of guy, stone cold sober. He's not married but he's far more off limits than any married guy I know... Sigh...

I feel more guilt about the married guy's mistress than his wife.

I don't feel any guilt about the other guy and very much hope that it continues until one of us finds someone or until the 'off limits' stigma dissipates some, which it probably can't. Which is too bad because of all the men I've ever known, dated, or even found attractive, he would probably be the most compatible with me, my quirks, my moodiness, my neuroses, etc. He knows me better than people who should know me better and with far less information. Not even able to romanticize it because I've thought it and expressed it multiple times over the past couple of years to a very good friend here, who is male and completely agrees. It's a very frustrating place to be. But wow. And wow. Such is my life... Sigh...

Giving Up Just In Time

So, I posted that I had given up. And then, of course, he calls. He talks to me for over an hour like nothing is wrong... I start to say something about being sorry, and he says, "We don't need to talk about that now." So, I don't.

Then, as he's hanging up, he says, I'll text you in a bit.

And then....

Silence.

For two days. Nothing.

I hate men.

Giving Up

So, I've finally wised up and am giving up.

It's truly, truly heartbreaking and I bawled like a baby yesterday for about an hour.

Sunday, things seemed to be kind of good. We were talking and there were a few signs of the ice breaking. I really have no clue what happened after. Monday, there was nothing. Tuesday, nothing. Wednesday, I asked for a little help understanding what was going on, and nothing.

So, today, a day for giving thanks, I am going to be thankful that this happened early on in the relationship and I'm going to be glad that I didn't get more sucked in than I already was before this happened.

I'm sure there will be a few more blogs on this. My heart is just... sad.

But, I have to say, at this point, it just all seems cruel. I don't understand how someone who supposedly thinks I'm "awesome" and that my kids are "awesome" would just go silent like he has done. It's strange and, in my opinion, cowardly, and my kids and I deserve better than that.

We really do. I just really thought he was "better." I was, as usual, wrong.

Tomorrow

I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow is one month.
I hate the good days we have that give me hope.
He never speaks to me the next day.
He was almost himself yesterday.
And today, he is silent.
I never know what to think.
I never know what he's thinking.
I don't know why or how he's affected me so much.
My wishes seem to disappear in the mist of each day.
My dreams are painful reminders.
I hear songs that remind me of him.
Those songs pour down my cheeks in salty waves.
Tomorrow would have been our 3 month anniversary of being together.
Instead tomorrow is the one month anniversary of us not being together.
Tomorrow had promise and now has dread.
Tomorrow is coming, and tomorrow will hurt.
I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day in this nightmare that I created.

Learning To See

4 weeks...

Two of five suitors are offering to drive upwards of 7 hours to see me.

One suitor is trying harder than ever, asking me on dates, offering to take me to Fogo de Chao which is a very, very expensive restaurant in Atlanta and where we went for my last birthday... And he offered to take the kids as well... So far, the Atlanta Symphony, a Melissa Etheridge Concert, and now Fogo. He's really pulling out all the stops. And offering not to take a job in Iowa if he can be with me...

That suitor, the last ex bf, is an eye-opener. I'm having to work extra hard at restraint not to treat the guy I actually want like my ex is treating me.

There is still not a day that goes by that I don't shed tears, sometimes multiple times per day. I honestly don't know whether I'm more upset I made him feel like his ex-wife did or that I've lost him. I vacillate between the two.

There are tears in my eyes as I type this, and it's not the first time just today.

I miss him. I miss his daughter. I miss the possibilities. I miss being treated like I'm worth something. And I pray that if I'm given another chance, I will be more considerate and not take him for granted.

Funny that the things I most feel I get short-changed on in relationships are the things I short-changed him on the most.

What a way to learn to see.

5

5 is the number of suitors I have right now. 2 previous relationships, 1 person I've never met, and 1 I met at a lame party I went to with another suitor.

5, some decent and some who turned out to be pricks (which is why they're exes).

5, and not 1 of them him.

5 suitors would make most girls happy, but every time I get a text from one of them, all I can think is that I'm sad it's not the man I want.

I know how the song goes, but right now, 5 is the loneliest number.

3 Weeks

It was three weeks ago today that I sent the text that would end up being one of the most regrettable decisions I've ever made. A learning experience at it's finest. My true hope is that I have truly learned the appropriate lesson here AND that I am given the chance to demonstrate.

When I say I am heartbroken, I mean, I am heartbroken. I am sad at what I've lost. But, for once, I'm truly, truly sad that my actions caused someone to feel the ways that he felt. It wasn't just the text, it was a full two weeks of selfishness before the text. The text I sent, ending things, because I thought I was the one being wronged.

I could not have been more short-sighted, selfish, unaware, or just plain wrong.

I keep going back over and over again in my head, wondering if I'm being too hard on myself or giving him too much credit, and I can't find it. It's just not there.

Never before have I felt the ending of a relationship has been majority my fault. Even if I wasn't the one who ended it, and some action of mine was the catalyst for the ending, I still felt the responsibility of the demise of the relationship fell primarily on the other party's shoulders. Even if I was sad. Even if, I think back now, it COULD have been more my fault.

But I don't care about that. I don't care if every relationship I've ever had failed primarily because of me. They ended, and they should have ended. I'm glad that ended.

This one, though... This one is different. This man is different. This was a true opportunity at happiness, and I fucking blew it.

After the first fight I picked, he apologized and said he'd be more thoughtful. After the second one, he called the next morning, told me he wasn't mad, and told me I was being too hard on myself because I was just expressing how I felt.

And I kept picking at him. Picking, picking, picking. And for what? To get my way. My way and no other way. To try to control him, to make him do what I wanted and to make him fulfill my needs, without regard to his wants, his needs.

I did have some idea that I was wrong at the time - I even said so. But it was how I felt, and somehow, I was convinced that HE was responsible for my bad feelings. He wasn't. I was. And I wanted him to fix MY problem.

So, here I sit, three weeks, very little conversation, and only one phone call later. Today, I don't feel much hope. Today, the prayer for acceptance is at the top. All I can do is hope.

Heartbreaking

I never know whether to be optimistic or not about these things... Yes, we've texted. It's always because I text first. Nothing major, but short conversations here and there...

Yesterday, I texted, and instead of texting back, he called. That was the first time I'd heard his voice in 3 weeks. It was a friendly conversation, nothing about "us" though.

My brain is in overdrive. I don't know what to think... Today, I've not texted, and I've heard nothing. It's agonizing and makes me worry that any positive steps are really just placation and nothing more.

I'm eating slightly better. "Better" being not the best choice of words. I guess "more" would be more accurate. Still not much, and I'm down more than 10 lbs in 3 weeks.

Stress weight loss sucks. It always comes back.

I keep praying through all of this... I pray for his stresses and worries to be lifted and for him to find the answers to all his questions. I pray for me to be accepting and patient. I think I've learned, and so I pray that I will be able to implement the lessons learned.

I pray for the people around me not to be affected by me and my sadness and not to see my tears when they fall. And they still fall... Every. Day.

It's amazing when you meet someone so sure he is into you and wants to be with you, and you manage to screw it up anyhow. It's devastating to feel like you've found someone who treats you as though you are special and beautiful and worth something, and you throw it away because of selfishness. It's horrifying to know that the whole time you were being selfish, you didn't realize it and genuinely thought you were being wronged.

And it is heartbreaking to know that you've hurt someone who actually, finally cared about you because you didn't know what that was.

Prayer

I'm trying to come up with a prayer list. I've typically prayed for things that I wanted, whenever I prayed, which wasn't anything close to often. I pray every day now. I don't know what the big difference is. I think it is the mirror or the eyes or something.

I have been praying for acceptance and patience and to see the lesson. Today, I realized I've only been praying for things for me, and that's part of what caused all of this turmoil in the first place - my selfishness.

So, I know I do need to pray for those things for myself because I do need to accept what is happening. I need to learn from what is happening. I need to have patience while this is happening.

But my new prayers are for him. He has a lot on his plate. I'm not sure if he's used to a lot on his plate or not. There is a person in his life who is a constant source of stress and turmoil, and that person will never, ever be out of his life... But that person does ebb and flow in and out to varying degrees, and those degrees got amped up while I or because I was in the picture...

My prayer for him is for God to take his stresses and his worries and to give him peace.

I wish him peace, true peace.

Missing

I miss your "Good morning sunshine"s
I miss your quick calls just to say hi
I miss the glint in your eye
I miss hearing your voice
I miss your "Goodnight doll"s
I miss the way you looked at me
I miss your smile
I miss telling you about my day
I miss hearing about yours
I miss being your ear
I miss Friday nights
I miss your chainsaw snoring
I miss your touch and kiss
I miss the way you called me yours
I miss being someone you saw yourself with
I miss the all day texting
I miss lamenting about our daughters
I miss your complaints about cheer practice
I miss "foreplay" and your little innuendos
Most of all
I just miss you.

Relief Next To Me

The title of this post references a Tegan and Sara song that I love. First line is:

I miss you now like I should've missed you then.

Tegan and Sara have been my soundtrack through this whole ordeal.

But the important word in that title is Relief.

I called, left a message. He said he'd call back. He didn't. So, I wrote him a message. And he responded. It wasn't negative, and it seemed more positive than neutral. So, I feel some relief. And I'm thankful. It could still go away. It could still be completely over. But there's a chance. And I have Hope, little ray though she may be, I have her.

And, in that, there is Relief.

Diary

Yes, this is my diary. I know I'm not as unknown as I'd like to be. So I leave out names while I tell my tales - through poems, fiction, and non-fiction. There is truth and experience in everything I write.

I typically only write when I am in despair or sadness. I wish I could write when I'm happy, but then, there's nothing to write about. I write as therapy. I absolutely hate writing when I have nothing I need to therapy myself out of.

I don't know why I'm so affected by this situation. I can't even put into words what this relationship and it's potential meant to me. It was a lot of firsts. First time I dated someone in a long time without sleeping with him first. In fact, I never slept with this guy. He stayed over a few times, but it never went there. It seemed like a respect thing. First person I dated who had been married before. First person who had a kid. First person who didn't just tell me all the things I wanted to hear to get into my pants. First non-musician.

I just miss him.

Vacillating

Vacillating
Hope and Despair
Silence
Cruel and Deserved
Unknown
Pray and Learn
Dream
Vivid and Sad
Breath
Labored and Painful
Vacillating
Despair and Hope

Thursday

Yesterday was ok. I was able to breathe. Today, my chest is tight and anticipation is high. Today, his daughter will go to her mom's. Today is the first he could speak to me without her around. Today, I know he won't contact me, but I so wish...

I cannot believe how much I've prayed about this situation. I've learned that I need to be better at truly appreciating the wonderful people in my life... My kids, my friends, my neighbors, my family, my boss, my clients. I have so much to be thankful for.

And for the first time in 3.5 years, I know now that I would like to share my life and my blessings with someone.

Maybe it's not him. But I was open to the possibility with him, and that was profound.

I pray for acceptance of what was, what is, and what will be. I pray to have my eyes, mind, and heart open enough to receive whatever lesson I am to learn. I pray that I won't make the same mistakes over and over again. And, yes, I do pray for a second chance with him.

Tuesday

It's been a week since the last I heard from him and a week and a half since we last spoke conversationally or even argumentatively.

I'm flailing. Today, I woke up with a damp pillow and a salt crust in my eyes. I must have cried in my sleep, but I don't remember the dream or even if I was dreaming.

Today, tears flowed as easily from my eyes as they did the first few days...

Today, I also found out that my ex was shot... This is two weeks after he was hit by an IED... And another two weeks since the first time he was shot at... He's only been gone 8 weeks...

Today, I think has been the roughest day so far for me. I feel so confused and like I don't know who he was at all or who I am either.

I still get the feeling that this silence is cruel. I hope that he is processing something out of his system (like his ex) that he can't have me clouding his way about... It's pretty damn wishful, I know.

Today, I feel pathetic.

Lost

I thought I was doing better, that I was coming to a place of acceptance. But I had really held out a pretty intense hope that he would call last night. Or something. He "liked" a picture I posted of my favorite quote.

I feel so lost. He was the one so confident that this was the relationship for him that was going to last, that we were going to be together and that our girls were going to be great friends and terrors for us.

He was the one making future plans about my house and the work he could do to it. He hinted at marriage. He said we had all the time in the world. Does he still think that? Is that why he is taking so long to process?

He has never been one to shy from telling me anything. He always said that if he felt this way or that, he'd tell me. But he's not talking to me. Maybe that's the answer, but it's just not like him not to just come out and say...

Even if the answer is that we are done, I just would like either that finality or if the answer is that he still needs more time... I would be happy to wait. He's worth it.

I don't think I've prayed harder for anything else besides my grandmother's swift journey home. I don't pray for him to come back, although I know God knows that's what I desire. I pray for patience, acceptance, understanding, and to know the lesson He wants me to learn.

I genuinely turned much of my life circumstances over to God a few months ago... And the moment that I quit trusting Him and started trying to take control is when everything fell apart...  Not just with the man, but other areas as well...

I know God will provide. I know He will show me the way. I just hope my eyes and heart are open enough to see...

Hope

In less than 12 hours, it will be a week since I've had any conversation with my... Well, I don't know what the fuck he is now. The only thing I've heard from him was a short text on Wednesday that said,

"I know you are an awesome person. And I know you don't agree with how I process. Just wanted you to know that I do think you're awesome."

I don't know what that is supposed to tell me. I'm awesome, I suppose. It's the middle sentence that gets me. I don't know if he's still processing things or if he has processed. I don't understand why processing means no communication whatsoever. I just don't understand.

I feel weak all the time and just want to text or call or fb message him. I mean, two months of constant, and I mean constant contact. It was rare for us to go more than 15 minutes without texting each other unless we were working or sleeping - and even during work, it was still pretty constant.

And then BAM. Nothing.

No more "Good morning sunshine" or "Goodnight doll" or "What's my beautiful band geek doing right now?" or "Muah" or "mmmhmmm" or anything.

Just silence.

And it is deafening. And surprisingly painful. And incredibly sad.

No more innuendos about our future together, no more talk about how our girls will be forces to be reckoned with, no more sweet jokes about how we waited over a year for each other.

Two months. And POOF. Gone. Erased. By my hand.

After everything, I know that all the things that I was upset I wasn't getting, I would be getting if we stayed together and I was patient. It all would have come to me. All I had to do was be patient and appreciative. And I just did not see that at all. He did. He knew. He was confident and committed. I was insecure and pushy. I was unhappy, not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because I was not in control, and I didn't (maybe still don't) know how to function in that world. To be with another person, I have to give up some of my control, and I really have never seen that until now, but that loss of control is terrifying to me. I want very much to learn how to deal with that. Maybe the fact that I'm even aware of it now will be the catalyst to get me there.

Part of me wants to think that if he is still thinking or processing that being completely silent is not something you do to someone you care about. It feels cruel. But the other part is trying desperately to understand that maybe he truly needs the time and space to figure out what he really wants. There are lots of other factors in his life that make this decision a difficult one for him - moreso than a similar one from me.

I hope he comes back. I hope we can communicate and compromise. I hope...

What To Say...

I wish that I could convey
In a less stoic way
What I soulfully wish to say

I'd say I'm sorry
I caused you so much worry
I don't want you to scurry

Compromise is really all
Learn to climb and not to fall
I really just wish you would call

Food

When I am truly sad to the brink of self-destruction, what do I do? I self-destruct. Method of choice? Starvation. Why would you starve yourself, you ask? Well, if I could control it, I would. I get sick every time I try to eat or even drink anything. Last time this happened, I ended up so dehydrated that I took 3 bags of IV fluid and STILL didn't pee.

So, this is my food diary since Saturday:

Saturday:
3 Chick-Fil-A Nuggets and some fries

Sunday:
1/2 raw cookie

Monday:
3 bites of oatmeal, 1/4 piece of Tilapia, 2 bites white rice, about 10 green beans

Tuesday:
1/3 lunch portion order of Mongolian Chicken, 2 bites white rice

I think I have successfully had one full meal when you add all that together.

Guess I'll finally lose that pesky 10 lbs after all. :(

I hate myself skinny. I hope I can eat again soon.

Something New (And Failed Because of Me)

I'm into something new these days... A lot of firsts for me. A lot of firsts that I vowed not to take. He is older, which isn't a first but certainly wasn't on the list of intentions. He's part Filipino, and I've only ever been with Western mutts. He's been married... And divorced... Happily so, it seems, and gets along quite well with the ex. He's got a kid, and that is something I desperately wanted to stay away from. I'm not particularly fond of kids other than my own and sometimes, let's be honest, not even them. Don't get me wrong. I love them and feel like I've lost a limb or two when they're not under my care, but they are anchors, and while I don't want to stray away from where I stay today, I want to be able to float if I want. He isn't a musician. That may not seem like a big deal, but I've never, ever, ever, ever, ever dated someone who wasn't a musician.

I guess it's time for change. Time for me to realize that not every man only thinks about sex, not every man will try to get into my pants on the very first date... Or second, or third, or fourth (sigh)... That it is amazing that a little girl would CHOOSE to live with her father... And that her mother would be OK with that...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this exactly a month ago. This is what I lost. This is who I pushed away.

Frying Pan

Have you ever been hit with the frying pan of realization? Had something hit you so hard it shook you to your core and upended many things you have thought about yourself? Well, I just had that happen. It took losing an amazing man to do it. Forgiving myself for this one will be hard.

I have always thought that, while a little neurotic, I was relatively low maintenance. Maybe I was at one time. I don't remember having these same problems with anyone prior to being married or even while I was married. I have become needy. I need physical time, mental time, and lots and lots of reassurance.

Maybe I should wait to see if I find someone who wants someone needy.

Or maybe, I could learn to try to appreciate what I have before I lose it.

I have become a master at self-sabotage. Maybe I'm punishing myself for my failed marriage or some other repressed failure.

While I was doing what I did, I thought I was completely validated. Really. I didn't think I was being overly needy, demanding, whiny, manipulative, or selfish. I really didn't. But everything he said was right. When things didn't go my way, I pitched a fit. When my selfish demands weren't met, I made him feel like he did something wrong. He didn't really play along, which, at the time, I thought, meant he didn't care. Of course, keeping in mind that, at the time, I didn't think I was playing a game. I genuinely thought he just didn't care about me. Which is a fucking crock.

And it took the frying pan of realization hitting me, the ruining of a potentially wonderful and healthy relationship (what the fuck is that anyhow?) to make me see what I am.

The biggest part of the frying pan realization is this: When I am single, I am fine. I am confident and happy and bright spirited and free. When I am in a relationship, I am insecure and sad and downtrodden and closed off. Why? I kept asking myself this. I couldn't understand what it was. I really feel good when I'm single. Why do I feel so miserable when I'm coupled?

Control. To be with someone I have to give up control of some things.

I lost so much of myself when I was married. I gave up so many things I loved, so many things I really liked about myself. And the relationship after that? I can't even go there. Whatever was left of my self-esteem and self-worth, I made sure it was completely gone.

What I realize the most here though is that while I was arguing and saying I wasn't doing any of the things he said, I was doing them all. I have, since my husband, felt like a victim, and you know what? I made myself into one when there was no reason to at all.

I figure there's no reason to go back and analyze the failures of previous post-marriage relationships. I don't want those guys anyhow. For real this time.

I finally met someone who treated me like I was someone of worth. And I blew it. Completely and utterly blew it.

Moving forward is going to be slow going. I'm still in that can't eat, can't sleep, hoping he'll forgive me and give me another chance. But I haven't heard from him in days. Not a peep. And yes, I've send the apologetic fb message. And yes, I've sent a "Good morning! Have a good day!" message too. And nothing. No word. Last we left it, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Then he just quit talking... Well, texting. And I haven't heard a word since.

I wish my frying pan moment meant something to him.

But mostly, I pray to God that he will help me through this. I don't pray very much. He's shown me what I was supposed to learn from this experience (which was my first prayer) and now I want to accept whatever happens. Truly accept it. And not beat myself up for it.

Until then, I will try to eat. And/or sleep. Both would be nice. I haven't had enough food in three days to make one meal, nor enough sleep to make for one night.

I loathe the saying, "It is what it is." But it's truth. I got hit with a frying pan.

Neuroses

I am at fault
My neuroses are full
Self doubt and games
I push and I pull

This time I tried
But deep down I knew
My moments of need
Really want in full view

Rearview, be damned
Time machine, be kind
In the place I live
Never can I rewind

It's always around this time
I crash and burn
This time is different
It's my fault I yearn

He did nothing wrong
Not in word or in deed
He cared and he told
I confused want with my need

If he never speaks again
If he isn't my friend
If I fall from his sight
I know this is the end.

Mae-mae - 10thDoM Choirs of Shadow Flying by Violent Eclipse

Choirs fall upward, singing lovely,

of Garden songs for her life, now a

Shadow, upon which eyes cast down

Flying across the room, darting

by Wishing, screaming, whispering tears,

Violent in their escape, but there's no

Eclipse to a life lived so beautifully.

Sad Flowers - 10thDoM The Language of Bouquets

There are some days when I look at the online newspaper of the city I lived in for 10 years, and my stomach cramps. There are parts of me that long to be there, that miss my house, my friends, my gym, my comfortable life. I still own a house there. I can't get rid of it.

There are days when I think of the drive between my house and my kids' school. The drive that took me through some of the least desirable parts of town and where I passed a strip club, open, with cars in the lot, at 7:45 am... On a Tuesday. And I miss even that drive.

I miss being married, in a marital relationship, in a comfort zone of knowing when and where the next paycheck was coming from. I don't miss when he was home. There were more times when I felt like a stranger in my own house when he was there than I felt comfortable. The comfort was in his absence. Thankfully, he was absent a lot. Sadly, it was not enough.

There are days when I romanticize the tumultuous, horrible relationship I got into after I left one bad situation. I went from very bad to worse than I could have ever imagined. But he was so beautiful. And caring, and thoughtful, and kind, and he was my friend and confidante... Until he wasn't.

There are days that I wake up in the same room I spent 14 of my earliest years and wonder if I should have just stuck it out, if the comfort was worth the apathy, the passive-aggressive put downs, the lack of love, the sadness. He was happy, he said. He shed tears.

I miss the times before we married. Before he told me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce... On our honeymoon. Before he refused to be my shoulder when my mom died or ever thereafter even after begging... For 6 years. Before he told me he hated basically everything I loved... Which were the things he loved about me before he "owned" me.

There are days I remember our Olive Garden Fridays. Always the same Olive Garden. Always the same hostess. Always the same mispronunciation of our last name, Payton, not Patton. Where we would talk and laugh and plan our lives and how we would grow old and be together forever. Before he let me know he thought I would change if I married him.

There are days I remember the diamond heart necklace on our first Valentine's Day. He came up behind me and put it on me as I was talking to my roommates. They thought I was so lucky. And then I remember the first flowers I ever got on Mother's Day, my 7th Mother's Day. The Mother's Day after I told him I was leaving. He didn't even know what kind of flowers I like. But at least they weren't pink roses.

The Key - 10thDoM Right of Qi

The right key
does not hold
the qi you seek

On the left
there is right
And right qi

Vitality rides
on your say
and three days

might kill me
Or cure me
of life.

Capricious Capricorns - 10thDoM RoM Sleep Deprived in Sagittarius

You, you, you.
Are you falling into me?
Like I fell into you?
And wishing you were mine.
Fighting and lighting.
Lifting and sifting.
Falling and calling.
Texting and sexting.
Find me, please.
On my floor.
Skin and bones.
From what you made of me.
Bleeding from the gums.
Vomiting all I can't eat.
Capriciously being the Capricorn that doesn't make sense.
Astrologically confused.
Since I was supposed to be a Sagittarius anyhow.
Married to a Scorpio.
Loving a Virgo.
Daughter of Leo and Libra.
Dreaming of a Capricorn.
With cusp children to confuse me even more.
I've got a bullheaded twin.
And a sunny thinker.
As if their circumstances weren't enough to make them seem strange.
To all but me.
To you.
When you see them.
Sun and moon.
Dark and light.
Tan and bright.
Strong and weak.
But beautiful, both.
When you see them.
You know.
You.
Know.
It's that time of year.
Again, it has reared its head.
But insomnia has come back early this year.
And the sadness.
The sad disease.
It is taking over.
My bones.
Will not stay.
Not for you.
Or you.
Or you.
Or you.
Just you.
And you.
You.

Life's Left - 10thDoM RoM An Extraordinary Discomfort

You.
You.
You.
It wasn't that long ago that life left me where I stand.
In the shadows of your words.
And worlds.
Where wishes live less freely than the airplanes they're made on.
But the spice and space were founded in those times.
When you were but nice.
The few and far.
Between me and you.
The passion between me and you.
Leads to an equal and opposite reaction.
Extraordinary in its discomforting gaze.
As I was frayed, torn and tattered, and ripped.
Into shreds I found myself worn, wan for your threads.
You.
Your threads.
Your bed.
Your moves.
Your strong stance.
Your dark empty glance.
Wondering where you are in there.
Wandering around in there.
Pleading as I stood on your stairs.
You just stare.
Uncomfortably numb.
It’s amazing how extraordinarily discomforting those eyes have become.
As you raise your gaze.
And ask me rhetorical questions.
Which I answer.
Because I don’t know questions are rhetorical.
But they are to you.
And you.
And you.
And everyone else it seems.
Except me.
Just you.
You.
And I left you where my life left.
On the stairs.
In that strangely clean apartment.
On the Main Street in our town.
Where I slid to the side.
And I was hit blind.
But it was better that way.
Losing a life in a few minutes.
Losing a friend.
Losing you.
Because you can’t see anything but yourself.
When you look in the mirror.
Just you.
You.
And you.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.

UAE - 10thDom RoM Fariq's Final Fantasia

You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
And you'd have me climb, climb, climb.
All the mountains you'd push me to fall.
Fall.
Fall.
Isn't it funny, that final failing?
For all the fluctuating, vacillating, obliterating you're phoning them in.
Was it fun, finding that fountain of earth.
Funneling from the ground.
Reaching the sky, not really.
From a peak in your final frontier?
Fly down Fujairah.
Were you there, Jabal Fariq?
Fuck fantastic fantasy fairies for fun, and profit.
Theirs, the profit.
Were you there, Jabal Fariq?
Finding friendly females feigning for funds for a fuck?
And you were willing.
Because, we've already found.
It's all about you.
You.
You.
You.
You.
Find yourself flailing, now do you?
Find yourself failing, now you do.
Flat out for you.
It's all about you.
And you.
And you.
And you.
And you.
And the five others you found from the fuck friend channels.
Because, for the final frame, it's forever for you.
You.
You.

Long Ago - 10thDoM RoM A Legacy of Smoke and Shadow

It wasn't that long ago that I saw your face for the first time.
At least, not that long in the history of man.
And it wasn't that long ago that I wished that your eyes would see my face too.
But then I'd look away.
Pretend I didn't see you seeing me.
I would undo that first kiss, that first lisp, that first...
Well, everything.
I wished for you on stars and clouds and airplanes at night.
Because I didn't know better.
You were shadows.
I was smoky.
You said so.
And I heard you.
I was for play.
Foreplay.
Falling apart at my seams, so it seems.
And you were so good with needle and thread.
Weaving in and out of my life and even me.
At will.
Your will.
Not mine.
Don't you remember the first last time?
The first completion.
The last time.
With her listening from above and us listening from the next room.
That's our legacy.
There's always a first last time.
For you to sing that first last line.
That I never want to hear.
You're a tune I can't leave.
Stuck on repeat.
You.
Repeat.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
Me.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
You.
It's all about you, isn't it darling?

Night Swim - 10thDoM Beneath the Pools of Another Moon

It's a new year, and Jelly is back and... Well, probably not better than ever but not too much worse for the wear.

silver shine across lithe long parts
lines of luminescence linger and then fall,
but the eyes stay where the paths traced
down the gentle sways and curves

cool air smiles upon her limbs
and the favorite parts of men, obviously so,
a vision in the night, art meets reality
so easily, the eyes must stay

alabaster skin beneath ebony hair
hazel eyes aglow, reflecting your own face
gaze seized and then caught, a smirk
crawls across lightly pinked lips

fine fingers flicker cerulean strands
toes curl and massage the grit of tiny sands
sweet laughter saunters in, killing silence
and drums beat heavily inside this night