Thursday, November 29, 2012

Giving Up Just In Time

So, I posted that I had given up. And then, of course, he calls. He talks to me for over an hour like nothing is wrong... I start to say something about being sorry, and he says, "We don't need to talk about that now." So, I don't.

Then, as he's hanging up, he says, I'll text you in a bit.

And then....


For two days. Nothing.

I hate men.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Giving Up

So, I've finally wised up and am giving up.

It's truly, truly heartbreaking and I bawled like a baby yesterday for about an hour.

Sunday, things seemed to be kind of good. We were talking and there were a few signs of the ice breaking. I really have no clue what happened after. Monday, there was nothing. Tuesday, nothing. Wednesday, I asked for a little help understanding what was going on, and nothing.

So, today, a day for giving thanks, I am going to be thankful that this happened early on in the relationship and I'm going to be glad that I didn't get more sucked in than I already was before this happened.

I'm sure there will be a few more blogs on this. My heart is just... sad.

But, I have to say, at this point, it just all seems cruel. I don't understand how someone who supposedly thinks I'm "awesome" and that my kids are "awesome" would just go silent like he has done. It's strange and, in my opinion, cowardly, and my kids and I deserve better than that.

We really do. I just really thought he was "better." I was, as usual, wrong.

Monday, November 19, 2012


I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow is one month.
I hate the good days we have that give me hope.
He never speaks to me the next day.
He was almost himself yesterday.
And today, he is silent.
I never know what to think.
I never know what he's thinking.
I don't know why or how he's affected me so much.
My wishes seem to disappear in the mist of each day.
My dreams are painful reminders.
I hear songs that remind me of him.
Those songs pour down my cheeks in salty waves.
Tomorrow would have been our 3 month anniversary of being together.
Instead tomorrow is the one month anniversary of us not being together.
Tomorrow had promise and now has dread.
Tomorrow is coming, and tomorrow will hurt.
I dread tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day in this nightmare that I created.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Learning To See

4 weeks...

Two of five suitors are offering to drive upwards of 7 hours to see me.

One suitor is trying harder than ever, asking me on dates, offering to take me to Fogo de Chao which is a very, very expensive restaurant in Atlanta and where we went for my last birthday... And he offered to take the kids as well... So far, the Atlanta Symphony, a Melissa Etheridge Concert, and now Fogo. He's really pulling out all the stops. And offering not to take a job in Iowa if he can be with me...

That suitor, the last ex bf, is an eye-opener. I'm having to work extra hard at restraint not to treat the guy I actually want like my ex is treating me.

There is still not a day that goes by that I don't shed tears, sometimes multiple times per day. I honestly don't know whether I'm more upset I made him feel like his ex-wife did or that I've lost him. I vacillate between the two.

There are tears in my eyes as I type this, and it's not the first time just today.

I miss him. I miss his daughter. I miss the possibilities. I miss being treated like I'm worth something. And I pray that if I'm given another chance, I will be more considerate and not take him for granted.

Funny that the things I most feel I get short-changed on in relationships are the things I short-changed him on the most.

What a way to learn to see.

Monday, November 12, 2012


5 is the number of suitors I have right now. 2 previous relationships, 1 person I've never met, and 1 I met at a lame party I went to with another suitor.

5, some decent and some who turned out to be pricks (which is why they're exes).

5, and not 1 of them him.

5 suitors would make most girls happy, but every time I get a text from one of them, all I can think is that I'm sad it's not the man I want.

I know how the song goes, but right now, 5 is the loneliest number.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

3 Weeks

It was three weeks ago today that I sent the text that would end up being one of the most regrettable decisions I've ever made. A learning experience at it's finest. My true hope is that I have truly learned the appropriate lesson here AND that I am given the chance to demonstrate.

When I say I am heartbroken, I mean, I am heartbroken. I am sad at what I've lost. But, for once, I'm truly, truly sad that my actions caused someone to feel the ways that he felt. It wasn't just the text, it was a full two weeks of selfishness before the text. The text I sent, ending things, because I thought I was the one being wronged.

I could not have been more short-sighted, selfish, unaware, or just plain wrong.

I keep going back over and over again in my head, wondering if I'm being too hard on myself or giving him too much credit, and I can't find it. It's just not there.

Never before have I felt the ending of a relationship has been majority my fault. Even if I wasn't the one who ended it, and some action of mine was the catalyst for the ending, I still felt the responsibility of the demise of the relationship fell primarily on the other party's shoulders. Even if I was sad. Even if, I think back now, it COULD have been more my fault.

But I don't care about that. I don't care if every relationship I've ever had failed primarily because of me. They ended, and they should have ended. I'm glad that ended.

This one, though... This one is different. This man is different. This was a true opportunity at happiness, and I fucking blew it.

After the first fight I picked, he apologized and said he'd be more thoughtful. After the second one, he called the next morning, told me he wasn't mad, and told me I was being too hard on myself because I was just expressing how I felt.

And I kept picking at him. Picking, picking, picking. And for what? To get my way. My way and no other way. To try to control him, to make him do what I wanted and to make him fulfill my needs, without regard to his wants, his needs.

I did have some idea that I was wrong at the time - I even said so. But it was how I felt, and somehow, I was convinced that HE was responsible for my bad feelings. He wasn't. I was. And I wanted him to fix MY problem.

So, here I sit, three weeks, very little conversation, and only one phone call later. Today, I don't feel much hope. Today, the prayer for acceptance is at the top. All I can do is hope.

Friday, November 9, 2012


I never know whether to be optimistic or not about these things... Yes, we've texted. It's always because I text first. Nothing major, but short conversations here and there...

Yesterday, I texted, and instead of texting back, he called. That was the first time I'd heard his voice in 3 weeks. It was a friendly conversation, nothing about "us" though.

My brain is in overdrive. I don't know what to think... Today, I've not texted, and I've heard nothing. It's agonizing and makes me worry that any positive steps are really just placation and nothing more.

I'm eating slightly better. "Better" being not the best choice of words. I guess "more" would be more accurate. Still not much, and I'm down more than 10 lbs in 3 weeks.

Stress weight loss sucks. It always comes back.

I keep praying through all of this... I pray for his stresses and worries to be lifted and for him to find the answers to all his questions. I pray for me to be accepting and patient. I think I've learned, and so I pray that I will be able to implement the lessons learned.

I pray for the people around me not to be affected by me and my sadness and not to see my tears when they fall. And they still fall... Every. Day.

It's amazing when you meet someone so sure he is into you and wants to be with you, and you manage to screw it up anyhow. It's devastating to feel like you've found someone who treats you as though you are special and beautiful and worth something, and you throw it away because of selfishness. It's horrifying to know that the whole time you were being selfish, you didn't realize it and genuinely thought you were being wronged.

And it is heartbreaking to know that you've hurt someone who actually, finally cared about you because you didn't know what that was.

Monday, November 5, 2012


I'm trying to come up with a prayer list. I've typically prayed for things that I wanted, whenever I prayed, which wasn't anything close to often. I pray every day now. I don't know what the big difference is. I think it is the mirror or the eyes or something.

I have been praying for acceptance and patience and to see the lesson. Today, I realized I've only been praying for things for me, and that's part of what caused all of this turmoil in the first place - my selfishness.

So, I know I do need to pray for those things for myself because I do need to accept what is happening. I need to learn from what is happening. I need to have patience while this is happening.

But my new prayers are for him. He has a lot on his plate. I'm not sure if he's used to a lot on his plate or not. There is a person in his life who is a constant source of stress and turmoil, and that person will never, ever be out of his life... But that person does ebb and flow in and out to varying degrees, and those degrees got amped up while I or because I was in the picture...

My prayer for him is for God to take his stresses and his worries and to give him peace.

I wish him peace, true peace.

Saturday, November 3, 2012


I miss your "Good morning sunshine"s
I miss your quick calls just to say hi
I miss the glint in your eye
I miss hearing your voice
I miss your "Goodnight doll"s
I miss the way you looked at me
I miss your smile
I miss telling you about my day
I miss hearing about yours
I miss being your ear
I miss Friday nights
I miss your chainsaw snoring
I miss your touch and kiss
I miss the way you called me yours
I miss being someone you saw yourself with
I miss the all day texting
I miss lamenting about our daughters
I miss your complaints about cheer practice
I miss "foreplay" and your little innuendos
Most of all
I just miss you.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Relief Next To Me

The title of this post references a Tegan and Sara song that I love. First line is:

I miss you now like I should've missed you then.

Tegan and Sara have been my soundtrack through this whole ordeal.

But the important word in that title is Relief.

I called, left a message. He said he'd call back. He didn't. So, I wrote him a message. And he responded. It wasn't negative, and it seemed more positive than neutral. So, I feel some relief. And I'm thankful. It could still go away. It could still be completely over. But there's a chance. And I have Hope, little ray though she may be, I have her.

And, in that, there is Relief.

Thursday, November 1, 2012


Yes, this is my diary. I know I'm not as unknown as I'd like to be. So I leave out names while I tell my tales - through poems, fiction, and non-fiction. There is truth and experience in everything I write.

I typically only write when I am in despair or sadness. I wish I could write when I'm happy, but then, there's nothing to write about. I write as therapy. I absolutely hate writing when I have nothing I need to therapy myself out of.

I don't know why I'm so affected by this situation. I can't even put into words what this relationship and it's potential meant to me. It was a lot of firsts. First time I dated someone in a long time without sleeping with him first. In fact, I never slept with this guy. He stayed over a few times, but it never went there. It seemed like a respect thing. First person I dated who had been married before. First person who had a kid. First person who didn't just tell me all the things I wanted to hear to get into my pants. First non-musician.

I just miss him.


Hope and Despair
Cruel and Deserved
Pray and Learn
Vivid and Sad
Labored and Painful
Despair and Hope


Yesterday was ok. I was able to breathe. Today, my chest is tight and anticipation is high. Today, his daughter will go to her mom's. Today is the first he could speak to me without her around. Today, I know he won't contact me, but I so wish...

I cannot believe how much I've prayed about this situation. I've learned that I need to be better at truly appreciating the wonderful people in my life... My kids, my friends, my neighbors, my family, my boss, my clients. I have so much to be thankful for.

And for the first time in 3.5 years, I know now that I would like to share my life and my blessings with someone.

Maybe it's not him. But I was open to the possibility with him, and that was profound.

I pray for acceptance of what was, what is, and what will be. I pray to have my eyes, mind, and heart open enough to receive whatever lesson I am to learn. I pray that I won't make the same mistakes over and over again. And, yes, I do pray for a second chance with him.