Heartbreaking

I never know whether to be optimistic or not about these things... Yes, we've texted. It's always because I text first. Nothing major, but short conversations here and there...

Yesterday, I texted, and instead of texting back, he called. That was the first time I'd heard his voice in 3 weeks. It was a friendly conversation, nothing about "us" though.

My brain is in overdrive. I don't know what to think... Today, I've not texted, and I've heard nothing. It's agonizing and makes me worry that any positive steps are really just placation and nothing more.

I'm eating slightly better. "Better" being not the best choice of words. I guess "more" would be more accurate. Still not much, and I'm down more than 10 lbs in 3 weeks.

Stress weight loss sucks. It always comes back.

I keep praying through all of this... I pray for his stresses and worries to be lifted and for him to find the answers to all his questions. I pray for me to be accepting and patient. I think I've learned, and so I pray that I will be able to implement the lessons learned.

I pray for the people around me not to be affected by me and my sadness and not to see my tears when they fall. And they still fall... Every. Day.

It's amazing when you meet someone so sure he is into you and wants to be with you, and you manage to screw it up anyhow. It's devastating to feel like you've found someone who treats you as though you are special and beautiful and worth something, and you throw it away because of selfishness. It's horrifying to know that the whole time you were being selfish, you didn't realize it and genuinely thought you were being wronged.

And it is heartbreaking to know that you've hurt someone who actually, finally cared about you because you didn't know what that was.