Saturday, September 14, 2013

Thank You

I never know what to write when I'm happy or content.

I've now written and erased four different routes to take for this blog.

It makes me truly happy to have my "anonymous" diary here that no one reads. Quite interesting really.

This is my time to say thank you. Thank you for hearing me, thank you for the process, thank you for the pain, and thank you for the alleviation of pain. Thank you for giving me strength to put one foot in front of the other, thank you for keeping on pushing me to believe in the positive, thank you for reminding me that even if things didn't go the way I wanted that there would be better, happier days ahead and that the pain would only be temporary. Thank you for truly making me know THAT. Thank you for the fear that is still in my heart, and thank you for the fortitude to move forward in fear. Thank you for the fear that is in him, and thank you for having him say to me, "it hurt not to be with you."

And wow. Wow at the ability to look at him and know love. Wow at the complete sensory experience he is for me. Just wow.

And help, there's always a cry for help. Help us. Help me. Help him. Help me help him. Help him help me. Help us both help each other and help us trust you. Help us turn to you in those dark times. Help us to hear you and see you and use your love to amplify ours. But, again, just help. Please.

And thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank. You. Thank you.

Monday, September 2, 2013


I am fearful. I am faithful.

These should be in the reverse order, but I'm not there yet.

I know you, my dear myriads of readers , are always on the edge of your seat wondering what is happening in my love life next.

I know this... God puts these men, whether they are lessons or blessings, in my life. I allow myself to attach my happiness to them. Then, for whatever reason, they leave me or I leave them. If I leave them, I make my peace beforehand. One ex-lover likened the process to cutting him out like a cancer. I'd say that was a damn good metaphor. If they leave me, no matter how far in advance I am given warning signs, it is always a heartbreaking surprise. I can only look back, when I come out of my coma of despair, and see that, oh, yeah... There were clear as day signs.

So now... I'm looking all around. I do know my man is scared, and for many reasons - his history in relationships and his history with addiction being the top 2. He's 5 years into sobriety. And he's worked very hard at making better decisions.

I am his first relationship entered into since his sobriety. My hope is that I can discern normal fears and reactions due to circumstances from negative road signs along our way.

My prayer is this... That we make good decisions about each other for God, for ourselves, and for each other... And that our eyes be opened to a happy, healthy path that brings us closer together. And to only be faithful, not fearful, or, at least more faithful than fearful...