Amen

I am fearful. I am faithful.

These should be in the reverse order, but I'm not there yet.

I know you, my dear myriads of readers , are always on the edge of your seat wondering what is happening in my love life next.

I know this... God puts these men, whether they are lessons or blessings, in my life. I allow myself to attach my happiness to them. Then, for whatever reason, they leave me or I leave them. If I leave them, I make my peace beforehand. One ex-lover likened the process to cutting him out like a cancer. I'd say that was a damn good metaphor. If they leave me, no matter how far in advance I am given warning signs, it is always a heartbreaking surprise. I can only look back, when I come out of my coma of despair, and see that, oh, yeah... There were clear as day signs.

So now... I'm looking all around. I do know my man is scared, and for many reasons - his history in relationships and his history with addiction being the top 2. He's 5 years into sobriety. And he's worked very hard at making better decisions.

I am his first relationship entered into since his sobriety. My hope is that I can discern normal fears and reactions due to circumstances from negative road signs along our way.

My prayer is this... That we make good decisions about each other for God, for ourselves, and for each other... And that our eyes be opened to a happy, healthy path that brings us closer together. And to only be faithful, not fearful, or, at least more faithful than fearful...

Amen.