Sunday, July 21, 2013


So... Two things...

One... I never posted an update (not that more than 2 or sometimes 3 people even look at this, for which I'm eternally grateful) on what I might have realized from all the torment of last year's boyfriend. So, here it is...

It took me WAAAAAY too long and a LOT of guilt and blaming of myself that were probably over the top and not necessarily honest. It's easier to look for the bad in myself than the bad in others. If I did something wrong, then maybe I can fix it.

In the end, what I realized is that he wanted/wants the whole shebang - marriage and more kids - and I made it very, very clear early on that kids are not even a consideration and marriage is not on my agenda. I also think that he had built me up to be a certain way and easily controllable in his head and I wasn't. And while it needed to end because there's no way in Hell, no matter how great I thought he was, that I was going to have more kids, it was not ALL my fault, and no one deserves to be treated that way. Cutting someone out and ignoring them and then talking to them and pretending nothing has happened is just cruel. Grow some balls and spell it out. Especially if you care.

Which brings us to...

Two... Out of the blue, more than 6 months after the last time we even spoke (via fb messenger to wish each other a Happy Christmas), he fb messages me to say, "I'm sorry you hate me."

His astute observation of my feelings toward him came from the fact that I had defriended him on fb. I just didn't want to see him in my main feed or the little side feed thing. I didn't say anything about it, and I did it probably in Feb or March, and yeah, it might have felt a little good and powerful to wield my mouse over the "Unfriend" command. He made some apology about being selfish and not communicating well and lamenting his sadness over not having my daughter on his soccer team. I told him I didn't hate him and that we were just fine.

I mean, what else do you say to someone like that? No feelings came up, no wistful thoughts, just confusion and my usual wonder at human nature that I don't ever, ever seem to understand. And, quite frankly, I think it was important to let him know that I don't hate him. I learned. I'm thankful. He helped me discover some important things about myself - things that I'm attempting to practice.

So... Onto the next. I think that might have been closure. For me, at least.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

God Says

God says, "Love him and believe in him; he needs it."

How the world works is of great intrigue to me... Last night, I click a link on facebook to some Craig Ferguson videos, and the one I thought I was going to watch wasn't there/didn't work, but his rant on addiction was there (and how he made that funny is called talent, folks) and I couldn't turn it off even though it was a nearly 10 minute monologue. Then, I wake up this morning to find out that an attractive actor from a show I don't watch has passed away, an addict who was clean for years, relapsed, seemed to be on the upswing, but died of an apparent drug overdose.

People who seem to have it all on the outside might not see themselves, their light, their beauty, their kindness, their funniness, their sheer awesomeness that everyone else sees. When addicts look in the mirror, when they think of themselves, they see their failings, their mistakes, their inherent bad-ness.

Sometimes, I need to be reminded of this because of my current situation.

God says, "Love him and believe in him; he needs it." Clear as day. No promises of success. No promises of any kind of result.

Just -

"Love him and believe in him; he needs it."

That's really hard to do without expectations and wanting of your own needs or desires. Especially when you, as most humans, are selfish and wanty.

God is teaching me. I posted many blogs at the end of last year about a man I thought was amazing and all that and a bag of chips. In the months after our very strange break-up, I prayed every day, multiple times a day, for God to help me accept what was happening and to show me what I was supposed to learn.

I think I am now in the midst of being shown what I was supposed to learn. At least one of the things I think God intends me to learn about is unselfish love.

Scattered as all my thoughts are, I have these moments where God shows me I'm on the right path. I also have these moments where God shows me glimpses of why he said - Love him and believe in him; he needs it. It is because he is one of those people who doesn't see how wonderful he is. On more than one occasion, I have been genuinely surprised to hear how he views himself, and worse, how he thinks other people view him. And the saddest part of that is that people genuinely like him and think he is an outstanding man.

I know that feeling better than I'd like to admit myself, so I'm even learning about myself in this entire process.

And no, I don't think I'm here to heal or fix him by any stretch of the imagination. Most days, it seems the opposite is happening - that he is here to heal or fix me. It makes me think of a lyric from a popular song out now, "Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving." I am probably getting more out of this than he is, even if I am able to successfully do exactly what God says - "Love him and believe in him; he needs it." Funny thing is that what I feel is this - "Love him and believe in him; YOU need it." Meaning I need to let go and learn to just love and believe in someone without selfish desires. And I need, in part, simply to be ABLE to do it.

Even when I hear God, I try to talk myself out of it. And he's been sending me a new message, and it's in an area I'm not comfortable with when I'm just by myself, much less with anyone else, so I'm fighting it. I at least partially gave in, but it's really uncomfortable.

God says, "Pray together."

I told him I thought we should, and instead of the anticipated negative reaction, I got a smile and an, "ok." So, we prayed a simple Anne Lamott prayer, "Lord, help."

And I think that's probably the best prayer I can pray these days.

"Lord, help."

And I'll keep listening and feeling for the next thing that God says.