Sunday, July 14, 2013

God Says

God says, "Love him and believe in him; he needs it."

How the world works is of great intrigue to me... Last night, I click a link on facebook to some Craig Ferguson videos, and the one I thought I was going to watch wasn't there/didn't work, but his rant on addiction was there (and how he made that funny is called talent, folks) and I couldn't turn it off even though it was a nearly 10 minute monologue. Then, I wake up this morning to find out that an attractive actor from a show I don't watch has passed away, an addict who was clean for years, relapsed, seemed to be on the upswing, but died of an apparent drug overdose.

People who seem to have it all on the outside might not see themselves, their light, their beauty, their kindness, their funniness, their sheer awesomeness that everyone else sees. When addicts look in the mirror, when they think of themselves, they see their failings, their mistakes, their inherent bad-ness.

Sometimes, I need to be reminded of this because of my current situation.

God says, "Love him and believe in him; he needs it." Clear as day. No promises of success. No promises of any kind of result.

Just -

"Love him and believe in him; he needs it."

That's really hard to do without expectations and wanting of your own needs or desires. Especially when you, as most humans, are selfish and wanty.

God is teaching me. I posted many blogs at the end of last year about a man I thought was amazing and all that and a bag of chips. In the months after our very strange break-up, I prayed every day, multiple times a day, for God to help me accept what was happening and to show me what I was supposed to learn.

I think I am now in the midst of being shown what I was supposed to learn. At least one of the things I think God intends me to learn about is unselfish love.

Scattered as all my thoughts are, I have these moments where God shows me I'm on the right path. I also have these moments where God shows me glimpses of why he said - Love him and believe in him; he needs it. It is because he is one of those people who doesn't see how wonderful he is. On more than one occasion, I have been genuinely surprised to hear how he views himself, and worse, how he thinks other people view him. And the saddest part of that is that people genuinely like him and think he is an outstanding man.

I know that feeling better than I'd like to admit myself, so I'm even learning about myself in this entire process.

And no, I don't think I'm here to heal or fix him by any stretch of the imagination. Most days, it seems the opposite is happening - that he is here to heal or fix me. It makes me think of a lyric from a popular song out now, "Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving." I am probably getting more out of this than he is, even if I am able to successfully do exactly what God says - "Love him and believe in him; he needs it." Funny thing is that what I feel is this - "Love him and believe in him; YOU need it." Meaning I need to let go and learn to just love and believe in someone without selfish desires. And I need, in part, simply to be ABLE to do it.

Even when I hear God, I try to talk myself out of it. And he's been sending me a new message, and it's in an area I'm not comfortable with when I'm just by myself, much less with anyone else, so I'm fighting it. I at least partially gave in, but it's really uncomfortable.

God says, "Pray together."

I told him I thought we should, and instead of the anticipated negative reaction, I got a smile and an, "ok." So, we prayed a simple Anne Lamott prayer, "Lord, help."

And I think that's probably the best prayer I can pray these days.

"Lord, help."

And I'll keep listening and feeling for the next thing that God says.

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