Sunday, July 21, 2013


So... Two things...

One... I never posted an update (not that more than 2 or sometimes 3 people even look at this, for which I'm eternally grateful) on what I might have realized from all the torment of last year's boyfriend. So, here it is...

It took me WAAAAAY too long and a LOT of guilt and blaming of myself that were probably over the top and not necessarily honest. It's easier to look for the bad in myself than the bad in others. If I did something wrong, then maybe I can fix it.

In the end, what I realized is that he wanted/wants the whole shebang - marriage and more kids - and I made it very, very clear early on that kids are not even a consideration and marriage is not on my agenda. I also think that he had built me up to be a certain way and easily controllable in his head and I wasn't. And while it needed to end because there's no way in Hell, no matter how great I thought he was, that I was going to have more kids, it was not ALL my fault, and no one deserves to be treated that way. Cutting someone out and ignoring them and then talking to them and pretending nothing has happened is just cruel. Grow some balls and spell it out. Especially if you care.

Which brings us to...

Two... Out of the blue, more than 6 months after the last time we even spoke (via fb messenger to wish each other a Happy Christmas), he fb messages me to say, "I'm sorry you hate me."

His astute observation of my feelings toward him came from the fact that I had defriended him on fb. I just didn't want to see him in my main feed or the little side feed thing. I didn't say anything about it, and I did it probably in Feb or March, and yeah, it might have felt a little good and powerful to wield my mouse over the "Unfriend" command. He made some apology about being selfish and not communicating well and lamenting his sadness over not having my daughter on his soccer team. I told him I didn't hate him and that we were just fine.

I mean, what else do you say to someone like that? No feelings came up, no wistful thoughts, just confusion and my usual wonder at human nature that I don't ever, ever seem to understand. And, quite frankly, I think it was important to let him know that I don't hate him. I learned. I'm thankful. He helped me discover some important things about myself - things that I'm attempting to practice.

So... Onto the next. I think that might have been closure. For me, at least.

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