Hope

In less than 12 hours, it will be a week since I've had any conversation with my... Well, I don't know what the fuck he is now. The only thing I've heard from him was a short text on Wednesday that said,

"I know you are an awesome person. And I know you don't agree with how I process. Just wanted you to know that I do think you're awesome."

I don't know what that is supposed to tell me. I'm awesome, I suppose. It's the middle sentence that gets me. I don't know if he's still processing things or if he has processed. I don't understand why processing means no communication whatsoever. I just don't understand.

I feel weak all the time and just want to text or call or fb message him. I mean, two months of constant, and I mean constant contact. It was rare for us to go more than 15 minutes without texting each other unless we were working or sleeping - and even during work, it was still pretty constant.

And then BAM. Nothing.

No more "Good morning sunshine" or "Goodnight doll" or "What's my beautiful band geek doing right now?" or "Muah" or "mmmhmmm" or anything.

Just silence.

And it is deafening. And surprisingly painful. And incredibly sad.

No more innuendos about our future together, no more talk about how our girls will be forces to be reckoned with, no more sweet jokes about how we waited over a year for each other.

Two months. And POOF. Gone. Erased. By my hand.

After everything, I know that all the things that I was upset I wasn't getting, I would be getting if we stayed together and I was patient. It all would have come to me. All I had to do was be patient and appreciative. And I just did not see that at all. He did. He knew. He was confident and committed. I was insecure and pushy. I was unhappy, not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because I was not in control, and I didn't (maybe still don't) know how to function in that world. To be with another person, I have to give up some of my control, and I really have never seen that until now, but that loss of control is terrifying to me. I want very much to learn how to deal with that. Maybe the fact that I'm even aware of it now will be the catalyst to get me there.

Part of me wants to think that if he is still thinking or processing that being completely silent is not something you do to someone you care about. It feels cruel. But the other part is trying desperately to understand that maybe he truly needs the time and space to figure out what he really wants. There are lots of other factors in his life that make this decision a difficult one for him - moreso than a similar one from me.

I hope he comes back. I hope we can communicate and compromise. I hope...