Lost

I thought I was doing better, that I was coming to a place of acceptance. But I had really held out a pretty intense hope that he would call last night. Or something. He "liked" a picture I posted of my favorite quote.

I feel so lost. He was the one so confident that this was the relationship for him that was going to last, that we were going to be together and that our girls were going to be great friends and terrors for us.

He was the one making future plans about my house and the work he could do to it. He hinted at marriage. He said we had all the time in the world. Does he still think that? Is that why he is taking so long to process?

He has never been one to shy from telling me anything. He always said that if he felt this way or that, he'd tell me. But he's not talking to me. Maybe that's the answer, but it's just not like him not to just come out and say...

Even if the answer is that we are done, I just would like either that finality or if the answer is that he still needs more time... I would be happy to wait. He's worth it.

I don't think I've prayed harder for anything else besides my grandmother's swift journey home. I don't pray for him to come back, although I know God knows that's what I desire. I pray for patience, acceptance, understanding, and to know the lesson He wants me to learn.

I genuinely turned much of my life circumstances over to God a few months ago... And the moment that I quit trusting Him and started trying to take control is when everything fell apart...  Not just with the man, but other areas as well...

I know God will provide. I know He will show me the way. I just hope my eyes and heart are open enough to see...