Monday, October 22, 2012

Frying Pan

Have you ever been hit with the frying pan of realization? Had something hit you so hard it shook you to your core and upended many things you have thought about yourself? Well, I just had that happen. It took losing an amazing man to do it. Forgiving myself for this one will be hard.

I have always thought that, while a little neurotic, I was relatively low maintenance. Maybe I was at one time. I don't remember having these same problems with anyone prior to being married or even while I was married. I have become needy. I need physical time, mental time, and lots and lots of reassurance.

Maybe I should wait to see if I find someone who wants someone needy.

Or maybe, I could learn to try to appreciate what I have before I lose it.

I have become a master at self-sabotage. Maybe I'm punishing myself for my failed marriage or some other repressed failure.

While I was doing what I did, I thought I was completely validated. Really. I didn't think I was being overly needy, demanding, whiny, manipulative, or selfish. I really didn't. But everything he said was right. When things didn't go my way, I pitched a fit. When my selfish demands weren't met, I made him feel like he did something wrong. He didn't really play along, which, at the time, I thought, meant he didn't care. Of course, keeping in mind that, at the time, I didn't think I was playing a game. I genuinely thought he just didn't care about me. Which is a fucking crock.

And it took the frying pan of realization hitting me, the ruining of a potentially wonderful and healthy relationship (what the fuck is that anyhow?) to make me see what I am.

The biggest part of the frying pan realization is this: When I am single, I am fine. I am confident and happy and bright spirited and free. When I am in a relationship, I am insecure and sad and downtrodden and closed off. Why? I kept asking myself this. I couldn't understand what it was. I really feel good when I'm single. Why do I feel so miserable when I'm coupled?

Control. To be with someone I have to give up control of some things.

I lost so much of myself when I was married. I gave up so many things I loved, so many things I really liked about myself. And the relationship after that? I can't even go there. Whatever was left of my self-esteem and self-worth, I made sure it was completely gone.

What I realize the most here though is that while I was arguing and saying I wasn't doing any of the things he said, I was doing them all. I have, since my husband, felt like a victim, and you know what? I made myself into one when there was no reason to at all.

I figure there's no reason to go back and analyze the failures of previous post-marriage relationships. I don't want those guys anyhow. For real this time.

I finally met someone who treated me like I was someone of worth. And I blew it. Completely and utterly blew it.

Moving forward is going to be slow going. I'm still in that can't eat, can't sleep, hoping he'll forgive me and give me another chance. But I haven't heard from him in days. Not a peep. And yes, I've send the apologetic fb message. And yes, I've sent a "Good morning! Have a good day!" message too. And nothing. No word. Last we left it, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Then he just quit talking... Well, texting. And I haven't heard a word since.

I wish my frying pan moment meant something to him.

But mostly, I pray to God that he will help me through this. I don't pray very much. He's shown me what I was supposed to learn from this experience (which was my first prayer) and now I want to accept whatever happens. Truly accept it. And not beat myself up for it.

Until then, I will try to eat. And/or sleep. Both would be nice. I haven't had enough food in three days to make one meal, nor enough sleep to make for one night.

I loathe the saying, "It is what it is." But it's truth. I got hit with a frying pan.

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