I'm in this constant state of anticipation of the end. It's something I wish I could leave behind but something that follows me through everything in my life. Every beginning is simply the beginning of the end because everything ends. It does no good to live in its shadow, but that's where I keep finding myself.
I find myself beginning to end even newly discovered things. Walls being built and lines being drawn. Unbreakable walls and uncrossable lines. I find myself exhausted and exhausting; being in my presence must be difficult these days.
For some, I'm occasionally too giddy to stomach. Had I been happy or giddy when we met, my best friend wouldn't be my friend. For some, I'm too negative. It's easier to criticize than to praise when I'm often criticized and rarely praised. I'm always surprised when people don't criticize me and even moreso when they actually say something nice. For others, my mere existence is the problem.
I am the face of failure. The loss of hope. A constant reminder that love means nothing when it's only a noun. Love is action fueled by the soul of the heart, but love as action exists only in movies these days it seems. And those movies are reminders, over and over again, that when my blue eyes meet his green gaze, I am the face of his failure, the loss of his hope, and his forgotten love.
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Wow. That is so ... sad. I do know what you mean about the "anticipation of the end". Sort of like always waiting for "that day", you know? That day when I will lose the weight. That day when I will have the money I want. That day when I will be free of stress and worry.
ReplyDeleteOne day I just realized 'that day' was never actually going to get here. Instead, it is made up of all the days we have. Then is over, the future is always a day away.
Live in the now. Be happy with the now, whatever it is.
Not sure if any of this on topic anymore. But there you go. Good luck with it all. I hope, for you. :)
I think that the storybook love is very rare. Love is what people want it to be. I thought That I was really in love once, but I was, she was not. Love is like winning the lottery, most people settle, telling themselves that they are in love.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you are not the face of failure, but instead, you are just two diverging roads. Not all people will grow together, sometimes as we age, we grow in different directions. It is not failure to change direction, it is just being human!
I had the storybook story but missed out on the love upgrade. :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're living in the past. It's an easy enough fix, once you realize that the past doesn't exist anymore.
ReplyDelete"I am the face of failure. The loss of hope."
- I highly doubt it. You're not giving yourself enough credit. Would you let someone talk about your loved ones that way? Then you shouldn't say it about yourself.
I feel like cussing you out.
ReplyDeletepretty sad one here...its tough to feel like that forgotten love...been there..but then i got lucky and met my wife. who knows what tomorrow might bring...
ReplyDeleteI get like this, at times. But I bounce right back. I learned to live with criticism and rejection years ago. It was( and still is ) a builder of character. Use it as a building block and not a hurdle to stumble over...
ReplyDeleteBabe, you gotta stop seeing yourself reflected in his eyes, but start believing in yourself. His loss honey.
ReplyDeleteForgive any presumptions- I don't really know your situation- but I have been in a similar one to what I think you are describing.
Wow girl you speak my language. Hope that by telling you that you are not alone there are others who have the similar feelings are here...might make you feel a little better.
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