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There's always something about new love. What I have always wanted is for someone to love me and to fit in my box of love. I find them, pursue them, intrigue them, and then I try to make them love me. I have never immediately wanted someone who wanted me.

Until now.

It is the most terrifying love I have ever felt.

It feels safe and real and like it could be forever.

Don't get me wrong. I always fall fast. In lust. And then I try so hard to force things to work. I rationalize and I barter with myself and I work myself into a frenzy explaining to myself and others why unacceptable behaviors are acceptable... in this case.

One tiny difference is that my thought is usually... I can make this work.

And the truth is... No, I can't. I can't make anything work. It takes two people wholeheartedly "in" to make things work.

In 38 years, that thought has not occurred to me.

My heart is absolutely terrified. My brain is on overdrive right now. I'm completely scared out of my mind. It is maddening. I have all the thoughts all the time and my mind won't stop thinking of ways that I will fuck.this.up.

I'm looking for the thorns, I'm digging for them, almost praying for them. And I can't find them. How do I function if there are no thorns? How do I exist in a relationship where there is nothing broken for me to fix?

My heart is so happy, which makes me so afraid. I am afraid to love, afraid to be in love, afraid to be loved.

But without a shadow of a doubt, this man loves me. Every quirk, every neurotic thought or action, every irrational fear... He acts as though it is normal and ok. He does not get angry and defensive at my invasive questions or roll his eyes at my irrational fears. He talks me down, tells me he loves me, reassures me. His voice is comfort. His arms feel safe. He feels like home. I think this is home for me.

Al-Anon

Yup, it's been a long time since any of you have heard from me. It's been a long, strange road. This week, I took a very good friend of mine to rehab. That was after I took her to the ER because she was so drunk she tried, initially, to go up to the room she'd been in the month before for severe pancreatitis, and then she tried to triage herself. She was also very affectionate, which is neither here nor there except she does happen to be a lesbian, and I kept trying to tell the ER staff and security that her actual girlfriend was, in fact, on the way.

So, from ER to the local (crappy) rehab facility and then a few days til we were able to take her to a detox facility in TN that has a rehab/retreat facility that we intended her to attend. She's at her final rehab destination now, theoretically, and she seems way more ok with it than the rest of us are or could have even imagined that she would be.

But the real point of this blog is to say that Al-Anon saved me. It didn't save my life. Another friend, an ex, an almost inappropriate friend, helped save my life this summer, but Al-Anon saved ME.

This summer, the guy I've been seeing for the past (almost) three year and have had a serious, monogamous, real, Facebook official, head-over-heels in love type relationship with for the last two years and I broke up. He would say, and he wouldn't technically be wrong, that I broke up with him, but I would say that he left me because he didn't fight for me when I told him to leave. I have learned since then that that is unhealthy behavior. And insane.

There's been a lot the past three years. I knew I was in love with this man before we ever connected. I knew I was meant to be with this man the very first time we connected. And I know, every day, that this is the man God created for me and for whom God created me since shortly after that. So losing that was just not an option.

From the beginning, he told me he was an alcoholic (even though he's been sober for years). From the beginning, he encouraged me to go to Al-Anon (even though he's been sober for years). And from the beginning, I've resented this idea that I needed any kind of help (because he's been sober for years!).

But Al-Anon has saved me. It has saved me in so many ways that, today, I cannot get into the details about because I would go on and on and on and we don't have time for that today, but I will give you insights here and there along the way...

The point here is... My life is better. I'm even slightly less neurotic. And the most wonderful part is that I actually think I've helped someone else, and that's the most incredible thing I can ever do.

If someone you love is addicted to drugs or alcohol, and you feel like you're going crazy, or your friends are telling you you're crazy, or you feel out of control, find Al-Anon. It will help. Keep going back. It works if you work it.

Fall Broken

I fall for the broken
I see their wings
See through
Nothing left to catch the wave
of wind to find him soaring where
he imagined himself before

I breathe the ashes
I smell the soot
Bleak black
Smudgy singed edges from the fall
from which he thought he'd never
recover with himself intact

I taste the shattered
Lick their wounds
Salted rust
Lapping the dirty cuts of past
pains inflicted and reflected
My salve, a salvation?

I fall to the broken
I crack them more
Cold dirt
Ends my journey through hell
To pick up my bloody pieces
And fall again, again, again

I feel so inescapable
I fell for this man
Crooked man
Allowed me merge softly with him
We fall broken together often
Filling the other's broken (he)arts.

Lighthouse

You are my lighthouse
My beacon in the storm
Lighting my path
Showing my way
Illuminating my dark

You are my lighthouse
Standing tall
All alone
Peaking high
So I might have hope

You are my lighthouse
A phoenix in harsh waves
Overcoming storms
No matter how many storms rage
Your light shines on

Learning to Pray

My last ex boyfriend - you know, the one from 2 years ago (has it really been that long!?) who I was so very devastated about losing?

It's true, I was so very devastated, but when I read my blogs from back then, the thing I notice is that from day one, I knew I was supposed to learn something - that he came into my life to teach me something so I could be better. I had hoped it was to be better for him, at the time, because when you're in those moments where you've been treated so badly for so long and then someone comes along and treats you like a princess - even if it is only for a couple of weeks - it's hard to imagine that anyone else could make you feel special or loved.

I felt special. I didn't feel loved.

What did I learn back then, and how does it apply now?

I learned that I am selfish and I love selfishly.
I learned that it is possible for me to be treated like a person of worth.
I learned that I push. And push. And push.
I learned that I need to be more patient, kind, and understanding, especially when I really want to be selfish.
I learned that he wasn't The One; he was just there to show me that there is hope for me, that I could be worth something to someone.
I learned that prayer is powerful. This is a different lesson from learning the power of prayer.

I'm still learning - especially that push thing. I wish I had an off button. And patience. I got really good at it for a while, when the current bf wasn't committed to me. I was so good at knowing that I had to wait until he knew that he wanted to be with me, but I thought that when he knew, it would just be all magical unicorns farting rainbows. Instead, I have to be patient about OTHER things! And every time one thing I'm patient about gets resolved, there's something ELSE to be patient about! And you know what? This one is worth it.

And through him, I've learned the power of prayer. And man, is it powerful! I've also learned that once God starts talking to you, and you start believing, and He starts really giving you positive things and then requests something of you that makes you feel uncomfortable so you don't really do it, He gets REALLY, REALLY loud. And kind of mad. And He'll mess up some of those things He gave you just enough so that you know that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain.

Like, really, Jelly? I gave you the love of your life and all I asked was that you pray together, and that was too much for you? Not that I'm a vengeful God or anything anymore, but I asked you nicely at first, and then I got a little louder and a little louder, and I know that praying out loud together isn't exactly the most comfortable thing in the whole wide world, but it's not like I'm asking you to cut off a finger or get swarmed with locusts or anything. I just asked you to pray. Out loud. Together. And since you're the one hearing Me, it's pretty much on you to make that happen. More importantly, this little request of mine, it's just going to make what I already gave you stronger and more powerful and more positive. It's win, win, win all day long. And you've put Me off for a year because it's UNCOMFORTABLE? There's famine and war and beheadings going on in the world right now and My request for you to pray together - SO THAT WHAT I GAVE YOU GETS EVEN STRONGER - makes you UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!? Give Me a break. I love you, but I'm out. Deuces.

That's pretty much what God did. And when I was on my knees praying for Him to help me understand what I was supposed to be learning, He was like... Um, yeah... That whole prayer thing? I still mean it.

Ok. Ok. I got it. I'll do it. And so I have. And it make me soooooo uncomfortable. But then I remember how much more uncomfortable I am when I DON'T do what He asks, and it's really a no-brainer. Plus, God gave me a seriously amazing gift - little 'ol me - all the while there's all this crud going on in the world. It's the least I could do.

Help. Thanks. Wow. Those are Ann Lamott's three essential prayers. The work. I probably use them in that order, but I want to get to where I'm more like... Wow. Thanks. Help.

I'm learning to pray. I'm learning the power of prayer. I'm learning that the more God is at the forefront of our relationship, the healthier, happier, calmer, and steadier it is. And that's amazing. I know what God wants and I know which path to take. I can't control anyone else, but I can do my part and hope that my partner sees the same path and takes it with me.

Profound Love

I love you like I should not
Too deeply, I'm sure you'd say
Fearfully, timidly, sadly
Profound

Mired deep in your lonely eyes
I'm struggling one pace at a time
Only to fall short of your
Desire

Believe me in my sober days
Leave my drunken words to drown
Never mind my broken heart
Break

And if I'd know all you suffered
If I'd remember all those angers
Struggling, strangling, cowering
Drunk

Never will I say those words
Will I utter those grievances
In hatred's thorny presence
Bare

I am not my mother's daughter
When I will my spew to remain
For no fear is worth losing your
Love

(S)words

I know I am of the dangerous sort
Sour times and daggers thrown
Accurately aimed and piercing

I didn't mean to hurt you so
My words spewed venom to burn
Your heart broken breaks mine

Let me soothe your wounded skin
Salve your seared, sullen soul
I won't wound our love again

Please don't think me so cruel
That curse you felt tore me more
I broke myself in breaking you

Vengeful, misguided (s)words
Tongues are mightier, I'd say
Talented lips sadly quiver now

Every word with love and love
My vow to swallow sharp epee
Banish verbal blades with ease

Pray with me my love, forever
Leave my lashings by the sea
Bleed out loud, I wish to see

Prick the darkness out of me
Dull the verb-sharpened brand
So (s)words fall from you away

It's Not the End, But the End is Near

It's not the end but the end is near
One foot forward, that's all you'll fear
Stick with me, stay here still
Don't learn, don't look back, don't grow, don't feel

We'll just be friends, that's the lie
Not that we can't be lovers til we die
Freeze in time, stand right there
While the love around you flows every elsewhere

All I know, I know I must know
Breathe, pray, love, fear, grow
Just breathe, just breathe
Maybe when he wakes up, he won't really leave

Life is... Good?

I don't even know why I'm writing except I've been trying to keep in touch with friends who help me in dark times and write even though I'm not in a dark time.

So, life is good. I have a lot of ways that life might be considered not so good - like that I'll be filing bankruptcy whenever I finally get sued or that my ex boyfriend is still hung up on me and I can't share Thanksgiving with my current boyfriend because of it (and the fact that they're brothers - oops).

Even not paying my credit card bills, I still live paycheck to paycheck and really need to learn how to budget.

I would like to lose 12.2 lbs - not for aesthetic reasons because if I could look how I look and just weigh 12.2 lbs less AND fit into my wardrobe, I'd be super stoked. I'm happy with my body and how I look (as much as any woman who has had 2 kids can!) but not so much with how I feel. I get overly frustrated with my kids for little things and wish I was a Pinterest mom (but those Pinterest moms are probably bitchy moms behind closed doors too).

The kids' principal drives me insane. I despise nearly everything about her, but she provides amazing experiential learning opportunities for my children that they'd never get anywhere else around here. But she is an extremist, a conformist, and a dictator. And I have lost all respect for her as a person but am grateful for her vision for the school. Maybe one day she'll realize that all children are not created equal. Mine are unusually unique. When they are both in the same classroom next year, God help the teachers.

I have two, possibly three, broken metatarsals. A sprained ankle, high and low. And my car was robbed of a baritone horn that was not mine. As well as a number of other things. It sucked. I'm still figuring out things that were stolen.

My Ehlers-Danlos symptoms are becoming more prevalent. See the losing 12.2 lbs above. I hurt. Every. Single. Day. And sometimes, my joints don't stay where they're supposed to. My knees and hips and ribs seem to be getting it worse than other parts... Except my ankle/foot now. Oh, and my wrist. And my arthritic hands. Geez. I should be bedridden!

I don't really know how to get rid of my continued suitors (I know this shouldn't seem like a problem, but it is) without being blunt and hurtful, which I don't like to do, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. 2 down, 4 to go, but they seem to come out of the woodwork every other month.

Of course, if I were single, there'd be no one looking twice at me. That's ok.

I'm very much in love and I very much feel loved.

And I'm happy even in my SAD times. So it doesn't show as much as I'd like, but it's really amazing how all the above things seem to just be a part of life and not reasons to feel like life is difficult or hard or unfortunate.

Every day, I wake up feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. I really do. I love my life.

My grass is the greener grass.

Slow and Stooped

When we are stooped and slow,
we will walk along the shoreline together,
hand in hand,
still in love,
even more deeply than we are today.
I will still love your beautiful smile
and the sparkle in your grey eyes
and the way we must always be touching somehow.
The years will not be kind,
and you may not always think me beautiful,
but I will always be beautiful
because you once thought I was.
We may marry or not,
but it does not matter to me,
for I have been yours
since well before you knew you were mine.
There will be Joy while we are young,
and it will be often
and you will joke that you are old,
but you are not.
There will be Joy while we are old,
and it will be of a new kind,
something we have not yet discovered
but brings us happily and insatiably
together all the same.
When walking becomes a chore,
we will sit on our porch
(there will be an "our" porch by then)
holding hands while we rock,
sipping coffee, happy to be in the presence
of one another and God,
and we will thank Him.
Again.
I'm not ready to be there yet.
This journey should be slow
and take years.
I think it is possible our love might grow,
probable even, I feel quite sure.
And oh love, my love, I will welcome the day
when we are slow and stooped,
touching hands or feet or elbows or knees
because having space between us
hurts our hearts more than our joints.
I will basque in happy
at how our love has grown immeasurable
and sent rays of hope
through all who have known us.
I do not fear taking care of you
or that you would not take care of me.
That is just one more happy thing we will do
when we grow slow and stooped.

Worry

I worry. I'm good at it. I think of all the things that have gone wrong and all the things that could go wrong. I anticipate the negative feelings and the hurt that all the things going wrong at once will cause me. And then my heart beats so loud I can hear it, and my cheeks flush, and my pores weep with sadness - all before anything bad happens.

I do not fear being alone. I am not afraid I will never find someone. I always have someone. What I do fear is that every time I think I find the right one - or the right enough one - that I am wrong. I fear that I have put so much energy and love and effort and time into someone else, and that my heart will be crushed by this person for the simple fact that he can. And the fact that he cares not for my feelings or my heart like he has said or has maybe even wanted to, but has only truly cared for his desires in a moment - a fleeting moment - or a string of fleeting moment after moments. Instant gratification is a powerful drug.

I do not fear being alone because I have been alone so long. I can care for myself and my kids. In fact, I am proud that I need no one to help me survive this life. It is when I realized this that I accepted that I desire a partner.

I would to share my life with someone who actually cares about me. And I believe that I have found him. And my talent at worry keeps pushing into me, stealing my soul. And so, I am saying to my worry, "Leave me. Let me love. Let me find love. Let me be love. Let me be loved." And while my worry is begging to stay, I am holding my ground, firmly saying NO!

Thank You

I never know what to write when I'm happy or content.

I've now written and erased four different routes to take for this blog.

It makes me truly happy to have my "anonymous" diary here that no one reads. Quite interesting really.

This is my time to say thank you. Thank you for hearing me, thank you for the process, thank you for the pain, and thank you for the alleviation of pain. Thank you for giving me strength to put one foot in front of the other, thank you for keeping on pushing me to believe in the positive, thank you for reminding me that even if things didn't go the way I wanted that there would be better, happier days ahead and that the pain would only be temporary. Thank you for truly making me know THAT. Thank you for the fear that is still in my heart, and thank you for the fortitude to move forward in fear. Thank you for the fear that is in him, and thank you for having him say to me, "it hurt not to be with you."

And wow. Wow at the ability to look at him and know love. Wow at the complete sensory experience he is for me. Just wow.

And help, there's always a cry for help. Help us. Help me. Help him. Help me help him. Help him help me. Help us both help each other and help us trust you. Help us turn to you in those dark times. Help us to hear you and see you and use your love to amplify ours. But, again, just help. Please.

And thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank. You. Thank you.

Amen

I am fearful. I am faithful.

These should be in the reverse order, but I'm not there yet.

I know you, my dear myriads of readers , are always on the edge of your seat wondering what is happening in my love life next.

I know this... God puts these men, whether they are lessons or blessings, in my life. I allow myself to attach my happiness to them. Then, for whatever reason, they leave me or I leave them. If I leave them, I make my peace beforehand. One ex-lover likened the process to cutting him out like a cancer. I'd say that was a damn good metaphor. If they leave me, no matter how far in advance I am given warning signs, it is always a heartbreaking surprise. I can only look back, when I come out of my coma of despair, and see that, oh, yeah... There were clear as day signs.

So now... I'm looking all around. I do know my man is scared, and for many reasons - his history in relationships and his history with addiction being the top 2. He's 5 years into sobriety. And he's worked very hard at making better decisions.

I am his first relationship entered into since his sobriety. My hope is that I can discern normal fears and reactions due to circumstances from negative road signs along our way.

My prayer is this... That we make good decisions about each other for God, for ourselves, and for each other... And that our eyes be opened to a happy, healthy path that brings us closer together. And to only be faithful, not fearful, or, at least more faithful than fearful...

Amen.

In Love

Now for the realization.

I'm in love...

With an addict.


And the big question is...

Can I do this?

Or even, can he?


Is there enough...

Prayer, love, respect,

And that sense of need?


We are better...

As Individuals

Together.


I am

Most definitely

In Love.

Help

I never know what to say to you when I'm supposed to be patient and quiet. Those times before that I have known I'm suffocating you and you don't even say a word, you just let me suffocate you until I get the picture. You're always kind then. But this time, I suffocated you enough that you asked to be allowed to breathe. I'm suffocating, not breathing so that you can. And I wish you wouldn't let me feel this. And maybe it's in the fact that you would let me feel this horrible way that says I shouldn't wish to be with you so much. Maybe it's the sign I need but it's not getting all the way through all the good that's been.

This kind of physical pain is not something I take very well. I will be better. If I've learned nothing from my past instances of similar pain, it is that it will end or subside or, at least, lessen. For a while. Then it will return but duller. And each time, I will cry silently and out loud. Each time, I will try to take the kids to do fun things and the attempt will be so exhausting that I will come home and lie in bed for 2 days just to recover. Part of that is emotional. Part of that is the EDS. Struggling through EDS while dealing with emotional stress leaves me nearly bed-ridden.

It amazes me how physically I feel pain when the real problem is emotional. I cannot eat except every other day or so when my body's needs override the nausea and discomfort. I try to eat as many calories as possible on those days, even if they are "bad" calories. I had a half of a corndog yesterday and a few french fries. The day before, a couple of wonton tacos and some sizzling rice soup. The day before that, a slice of banana bread. And the day before that, nothing.

I want to say to you. Stand up. Be strong. Don't be afraid of being amazing and great. Don't be afraid of yourself. Stand up for the good we've created. If you're going to put me in the same category as God and Anne Lamott and AA and Still Waters, then why would you let that go? Why would you say you're the best you've ever been and give me credit for that but push me aside because you fear your brother's tantrums and hurt? Yes, he is hurt. We lied. Yes, he will be hurt; he holds onto hurt like it's a prized possession.

Which brings me to this... Was it all a lie? Was it just about sex or getting back at your brother or making a martyr of yourself to him to prove how much he means to you? Was I just a plaything? I never felt like that with you, ever. I thought it was completely genuine and that you wanted what we had, even though it was sometimes scary to think of yourself as being worthy or able to be in a relationship.

Is it even important for me to know what this was? Why would God make me so sure of you, and I mean, CONVINCED that we are meant to be only to throw this wrench in and have you freak out. Was I here for you? Were you here for me? Is our job in each others' lives over?

Which leads me to - what the fuck am I supposed to be learning? Why finally give me a relationship where I actually get to FEEL loved and cared about and considered only to rip it away from me? Is there something better? Is there someone better? Or is this a test to see if we're really meant to be? Or is this a point in time to teach us to appreciate each other even more? What am I going through this for? What kind of lesson is in this pain?

I'm trying to let go. It is like my insides are being ripped out. I am full of hate and anger and sadness and despair. I know I'll come out the other side better than before, whether it be with or without him. It's very hard to imagine at the moment though, very hard to believe. I only know it to be true because it happens every time.

So, I'm praying for help. And I hope You hear me. Because I need it.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

How do you put me in the same category with Anne Lamott and God and then tell me it's not good enough. How the fuck is that not good enough? I'm in the same fucking category with fucking God for Christ's sake!

How do you say you're the best you've ever been with me but that it's not good enough? How is the best you've ever been not enough? I mean, it's the best you've ever fucking been!

You're lying to me or you're lying to yourself. Both will ruin your life.

Sincerely,
Me

Dream

I dream of a life where I'm not constantly fighting to be important or special, where I just am, and decisions are easy.

But I'm scary and passionate. I fall too hard too fast and always for someone who doesn't... or can't... Love Me Back.

They always declare their love after I've gone. When I no longer have fight or feelings left.

I dream of a life where he and I just continue to grow and care and disagree and argue and still rather be with each other than apart. That is 90% so good that the 10% bad is just that needed blip to keep it interesting for me.

Recognizing I can't have 100% good because I need to fight. I only want it bad enough to let me fight once in a while.

One fight or fuss a month. That's good for me. A fight where I'm heard and he's heard and we end up closer because we respected each other through the process. But not such a fight I get scared he'll leave or that I threaten to leave.

I am in love. Love. Or dreamland.

Hurdle

In the end, if the hurdle is so big you don't want to climb over it with me, then you must not want to be with me. I have to accept that. Please, God, help me accept that.

Collapsing

I feel myself collapsing. Everything around me falling onto me, caving in on top of me. I painted a picture too good to be true, and when I peeled back the paint, I remembered that it was all a lie. My heart is achy and shredded. My stomach raw and angry.

I knew this day would come. I knew it couldn't last. Why I let myself believe that we could overcome the obstacles, I know. I'm always wanting the movie, the fairytale, the love story that shouldn't have been but made it anyhow despite adversity. I need the drama. I crave it. I think it's because I want to feel - even if it's pain, I want to feel - really, truly FEEL.

The quiet is deafening, defeating.

Pink Guitar

My girl has a pink guitar
She never plays with it at all
It hangs on the wall, a decoration in fact
And she likes to show it to her friends
I like it okay, she'd say, but I'm not sure it's the one I want
She wishes she had a different, better guitar
Maybe that one she played with once somewhere, sometime else

But if I took her guitar away
It might be a day or two before she'd notice
And then she'd wail and scream and shout
It was the very best guitar in the world, she'd say out loud
It was the perfect one for me
She would be so devastated and sad
How could I not know that it was her favorite thing ever

She'd sulk for weeks, nay months, even years
Into its place on the wall, she'd stare
Keeping its space open just in case it returns
Fabricating memories of how she loved it so
And how, if she had it now, she'd care until the day she dies
She'd dust it and play it every day, at least
Though when it was hers, she barely knew it was there