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There's always something about new love. What I have always wanted is for someone to love me and to fit in my box of love. I find them, pursue them, intrigue them, and then I try to make them love me. I have never immediately wanted someone who wanted me.

Until now.

It is the most terrifying love I have ever felt.

It feels safe and real and like it could be forever.

Don't get me wrong. I always fall fast. In lust. And then I try so hard to force things to work. I rationalize and I barter with myself and I work myself into a frenzy explaining to myself and others why unacceptable behaviors are acceptable... in this case.

One tiny difference is that my thought is usually... I can make this work.

And the truth is... No, I can't. I can't make anything work. It takes two people wholeheartedly "in" to make things work.

In 38 years, that thought has not occurred to me.

My heart is absolutely terrified. My brain is on overdrive right now. I'm completely scared out of my mind. It is maddening. I have all the thoughts all the time and my mind won't stop thinking of ways that I will fuck.this.up.

I'm looking for the thorns, I'm digging for them, almost praying for them. And I can't find them. How do I function if there are no thorns? How do I exist in a relationship where there is nothing broken for me to fix?

My heart is so happy, which makes me so afraid. I am afraid to love, afraid to be in love, afraid to be loved.

But without a shadow of a doubt, this man loves me. Every quirk, every neurotic thought or action, every irrational fear... He acts as though it is normal and ok. He does not get angry and defensive at my invasive questions or roll his eyes at my irrational fears. He talks me down, tells me he loves me, reassures me. His voice is comfort. His arms feel safe. He feels like home. I think this is home for me.