Friday, September 5, 2014

Learning to Pray

My last ex boyfriend - you know, the one from 2 years ago (has it really been that long!?) who I was so very devastated about losing?

It's true, I was so very devastated, but when I read my blogs from back then, the thing I notice is that from day one, I knew I was supposed to learn something - that he came into my life to teach me something so I could be better. I had hoped it was to be better for him, at the time, because when you're in those moments where you've been treated so badly for so long and then someone comes along and treats you like a princess - even if it is only for a couple of weeks - it's hard to imagine that anyone else could make you feel special or loved.

I felt special. I didn't feel loved.

What did I learn back then, and how does it apply now?

I learned that I am selfish and I love selfishly.
I learned that it is possible for me to be treated like a person of worth.
I learned that I push. And push. And push.
I learned that I need to be more patient, kind, and understanding, especially when I really want to be selfish.
I learned that he wasn't The One; he was just there to show me that there is hope for me, that I could be worth something to someone.
I learned that prayer is powerful. This is a different lesson from learning the power of prayer.

I'm still learning - especially that push thing. I wish I had an off button. And patience. I got really good at it for a while, when the current bf wasn't committed to me. I was so good at knowing that I had to wait until he knew that he wanted to be with me, but I thought that when he knew, it would just be all magical unicorns farting rainbows. Instead, I have to be patient about OTHER things! And every time one thing I'm patient about gets resolved, there's something ELSE to be patient about! And you know what? This one is worth it.

And through him, I've learned the power of prayer. And man, is it powerful! I've also learned that once God starts talking to you, and you start believing, and He starts really giving you positive things and then requests something of you that makes you feel uncomfortable so you don't really do it, He gets REALLY, REALLY loud. And kind of mad. And He'll mess up some of those things He gave you just enough so that you know that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain.

Like, really, Jelly? I gave you the love of your life and all I asked was that you pray together, and that was too much for you? Not that I'm a vengeful God or anything anymore, but I asked you nicely at first, and then I got a little louder and a little louder, and I know that praying out loud together isn't exactly the most comfortable thing in the whole wide world, but it's not like I'm asking you to cut off a finger or get swarmed with locusts or anything. I just asked you to pray. Out loud. Together. And since you're the one hearing Me, it's pretty much on you to make that happen. More importantly, this little request of mine, it's just going to make what I already gave you stronger and more powerful and more positive. It's win, win, win all day long. And you've put Me off for a year because it's UNCOMFORTABLE? There's famine and war and beheadings going on in the world right now and My request for you to pray together - SO THAT WHAT I GAVE YOU GETS EVEN STRONGER - makes you UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!? Give Me a break. I love you, but I'm out. Deuces.

That's pretty much what God did. And when I was on my knees praying for Him to help me understand what I was supposed to be learning, He was like... Um, yeah... That whole prayer thing? I still mean it.

Ok. Ok. I got it. I'll do it. And so I have. And it make me soooooo uncomfortable. But then I remember how much more uncomfortable I am when I DON'T do what He asks, and it's really a no-brainer. Plus, God gave me a seriously amazing gift - little 'ol me - all the while there's all this crud going on in the world. It's the least I could do.

Help. Thanks. Wow. Those are Ann Lamott's three essential prayers. The work. I probably use them in that order, but I want to get to where I'm more like... Wow. Thanks. Help.

I'm learning to pray. I'm learning the power of prayer. I'm learning that the more God is at the forefront of our relationship, the healthier, happier, calmer, and steadier it is. And that's amazing. I know what God wants and I know which path to take. I can't control anyone else, but I can do my part and hope that my partner sees the same path and takes it with me.

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