Sunday, August 25, 2013


I never know what to say to you when I'm supposed to be patient and quiet. Those times before that I have known I'm suffocating you and you don't even say a word, you just let me suffocate you until I get the picture. You're always kind then. But this time, I suffocated you enough that you asked to be allowed to breathe. I'm suffocating, not breathing so that you can. And I wish you wouldn't let me feel this. And maybe it's in the fact that you would let me feel this horrible way that says I shouldn't wish to be with you so much. Maybe it's the sign I need but it's not getting all the way through all the good that's been.

This kind of physical pain is not something I take very well. I will be better. If I've learned nothing from my past instances of similar pain, it is that it will end or subside or, at least, lessen. For a while. Then it will return but duller. And each time, I will cry silently and out loud. Each time, I will try to take the kids to do fun things and the attempt will be so exhausting that I will come home and lie in bed for 2 days just to recover. Part of that is emotional. Part of that is the EDS. Struggling through EDS while dealing with emotional stress leaves me nearly bed-ridden.

It amazes me how physically I feel pain when the real problem is emotional. I cannot eat except every other day or so when my body's needs override the nausea and discomfort. I try to eat as many calories as possible on those days, even if they are "bad" calories. I had a half of a corndog yesterday and a few french fries. The day before, a couple of wonton tacos and some sizzling rice soup. The day before that, a slice of banana bread. And the day before that, nothing.

I want to say to you. Stand up. Be strong. Don't be afraid of being amazing and great. Don't be afraid of yourself. Stand up for the good we've created. If you're going to put me in the same category as God and Anne Lamott and AA and Still Waters, then why would you let that go? Why would you say you're the best you've ever been and give me credit for that but push me aside because you fear your brother's tantrums and hurt? Yes, he is hurt. We lied. Yes, he will be hurt; he holds onto hurt like it's a prized possession.

Which brings me to this... Was it all a lie? Was it just about sex or getting back at your brother or making a martyr of yourself to him to prove how much he means to you? Was I just a plaything? I never felt like that with you, ever. I thought it was completely genuine and that you wanted what we had, even though it was sometimes scary to think of yourself as being worthy or able to be in a relationship.

Is it even important for me to know what this was? Why would God make me so sure of you, and I mean, CONVINCED that we are meant to be only to throw this wrench in and have you freak out. Was I here for you? Were you here for me? Is our job in each others' lives over?

Which leads me to - what the fuck am I supposed to be learning? Why finally give me a relationship where I actually get to FEEL loved and cared about and considered only to rip it away from me? Is there something better? Is there someone better? Or is this a test to see if we're really meant to be? Or is this a point in time to teach us to appreciate each other even more? What am I going through this for? What kind of lesson is in this pain?

I'm trying to let go. It is like my insides are being ripped out. I am full of hate and anger and sadness and despair. I know I'll come out the other side better than before, whether it be with or without him. It's very hard to imagine at the moment though, very hard to believe. I only know it to be true because it happens every time.

So, I'm praying for help. And I hope You hear me. Because I need it.

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