Tuesday

It's been a week since the last I heard from him and a week and a half since we last spoke conversationally or even argumentatively.

I'm flailing. Today, I woke up with a damp pillow and a salt crust in my eyes. I must have cried in my sleep, but I don't remember the dream or even if I was dreaming.

Today, tears flowed as easily from my eyes as they did the first few days...

Today, I also found out that my ex was shot... This is two weeks after he was hit by an IED... And another two weeks since the first time he was shot at... He's only been gone 8 weeks...

Today, I think has been the roughest day so far for me. I feel so confused and like I don't know who he was at all or who I am either.

I still get the feeling that this silence is cruel. I hope that he is processing something out of his system (like his ex) that he can't have me clouding his way about... It's pretty damn wishful, I know.

Today, I feel pathetic.

Lost

I thought I was doing better, that I was coming to a place of acceptance. But I had really held out a pretty intense hope that he would call last night. Or something. He "liked" a picture I posted of my favorite quote.

I feel so lost. He was the one so confident that this was the relationship for him that was going to last, that we were going to be together and that our girls were going to be great friends and terrors for us.

He was the one making future plans about my house and the work he could do to it. He hinted at marriage. He said we had all the time in the world. Does he still think that? Is that why he is taking so long to process?

He has never been one to shy from telling me anything. He always said that if he felt this way or that, he'd tell me. But he's not talking to me. Maybe that's the answer, but it's just not like him not to just come out and say...

Even if the answer is that we are done, I just would like either that finality or if the answer is that he still needs more time... I would be happy to wait. He's worth it.

I don't think I've prayed harder for anything else besides my grandmother's swift journey home. I don't pray for him to come back, although I know God knows that's what I desire. I pray for patience, acceptance, understanding, and to know the lesson He wants me to learn.

I genuinely turned much of my life circumstances over to God a few months ago... And the moment that I quit trusting Him and started trying to take control is when everything fell apart...  Not just with the man, but other areas as well...

I know God will provide. I know He will show me the way. I just hope my eyes and heart are open enough to see...

Hope

In less than 12 hours, it will be a week since I've had any conversation with my... Well, I don't know what the fuck he is now. The only thing I've heard from him was a short text on Wednesday that said,

"I know you are an awesome person. And I know you don't agree with how I process. Just wanted you to know that I do think you're awesome."

I don't know what that is supposed to tell me. I'm awesome, I suppose. It's the middle sentence that gets me. I don't know if he's still processing things or if he has processed. I don't understand why processing means no communication whatsoever. I just don't understand.

I feel weak all the time and just want to text or call or fb message him. I mean, two months of constant, and I mean constant contact. It was rare for us to go more than 15 minutes without texting each other unless we were working or sleeping - and even during work, it was still pretty constant.

And then BAM. Nothing.

No more "Good morning sunshine" or "Goodnight doll" or "What's my beautiful band geek doing right now?" or "Muah" or "mmmhmmm" or anything.

Just silence.

And it is deafening. And surprisingly painful. And incredibly sad.

No more innuendos about our future together, no more talk about how our girls will be forces to be reckoned with, no more sweet jokes about how we waited over a year for each other.

Two months. And POOF. Gone. Erased. By my hand.

After everything, I know that all the things that I was upset I wasn't getting, I would be getting if we stayed together and I was patient. It all would have come to me. All I had to do was be patient and appreciative. And I just did not see that at all. He did. He knew. He was confident and committed. I was insecure and pushy. I was unhappy, not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because I was not in control, and I didn't (maybe still don't) know how to function in that world. To be with another person, I have to give up some of my control, and I really have never seen that until now, but that loss of control is terrifying to me. I want very much to learn how to deal with that. Maybe the fact that I'm even aware of it now will be the catalyst to get me there.

Part of me wants to think that if he is still thinking or processing that being completely silent is not something you do to someone you care about. It feels cruel. But the other part is trying desperately to understand that maybe he truly needs the time and space to figure out what he really wants. There are lots of other factors in his life that make this decision a difficult one for him - moreso than a similar one from me.

I hope he comes back. I hope we can communicate and compromise. I hope...

What To Say...

I wish that I could convey
In a less stoic way
What I soulfully wish to say

I'd say I'm sorry
I caused you so much worry
I don't want you to scurry

Compromise is really all
Learn to climb and not to fall
I really just wish you would call

Food

When I am truly sad to the brink of self-destruction, what do I do? I self-destruct. Method of choice? Starvation. Why would you starve yourself, you ask? Well, if I could control it, I would. I get sick every time I try to eat or even drink anything. Last time this happened, I ended up so dehydrated that I took 3 bags of IV fluid and STILL didn't pee.

So, this is my food diary since Saturday:

Saturday:
3 Chick-Fil-A Nuggets and some fries

Sunday:
1/2 raw cookie

Monday:
3 bites of oatmeal, 1/4 piece of Tilapia, 2 bites white rice, about 10 green beans

Tuesday:
1/3 lunch portion order of Mongolian Chicken, 2 bites white rice

I think I have successfully had one full meal when you add all that together.

Guess I'll finally lose that pesky 10 lbs after all. :(

I hate myself skinny. I hope I can eat again soon.

Something New (And Failed Because of Me)

I'm into something new these days... A lot of firsts for me. A lot of firsts that I vowed not to take. He is older, which isn't a first but certainly wasn't on the list of intentions. He's part Filipino, and I've only ever been with Western mutts. He's been married... And divorced... Happily so, it seems, and gets along quite well with the ex. He's got a kid, and that is something I desperately wanted to stay away from. I'm not particularly fond of kids other than my own and sometimes, let's be honest, not even them. Don't get me wrong. I love them and feel like I've lost a limb or two when they're not under my care, but they are anchors, and while I don't want to stray away from where I stay today, I want to be able to float if I want. He isn't a musician. That may not seem like a big deal, but I've never, ever, ever, ever, ever dated someone who wasn't a musician.

I guess it's time for change. Time for me to realize that not every man only thinks about sex, not every man will try to get into my pants on the very first date... Or second, or third, or fourth (sigh)... That it is amazing that a little girl would CHOOSE to live with her father... And that her mother would be OK with that...

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I wrote this exactly a month ago. This is what I lost. This is who I pushed away.

Frying Pan

Have you ever been hit with the frying pan of realization? Had something hit you so hard it shook you to your core and upended many things you have thought about yourself? Well, I just had that happen. It took losing an amazing man to do it. Forgiving myself for this one will be hard.

I have always thought that, while a little neurotic, I was relatively low maintenance. Maybe I was at one time. I don't remember having these same problems with anyone prior to being married or even while I was married. I have become needy. I need physical time, mental time, and lots and lots of reassurance.

Maybe I should wait to see if I find someone who wants someone needy.

Or maybe, I could learn to try to appreciate what I have before I lose it.

I have become a master at self-sabotage. Maybe I'm punishing myself for my failed marriage or some other repressed failure.

While I was doing what I did, I thought I was completely validated. Really. I didn't think I was being overly needy, demanding, whiny, manipulative, or selfish. I really didn't. But everything he said was right. When things didn't go my way, I pitched a fit. When my selfish demands weren't met, I made him feel like he did something wrong. He didn't really play along, which, at the time, I thought, meant he didn't care. Of course, keeping in mind that, at the time, I didn't think I was playing a game. I genuinely thought he just didn't care about me. Which is a fucking crock.

And it took the frying pan of realization hitting me, the ruining of a potentially wonderful and healthy relationship (what the fuck is that anyhow?) to make me see what I am.

The biggest part of the frying pan realization is this: When I am single, I am fine. I am confident and happy and bright spirited and free. When I am in a relationship, I am insecure and sad and downtrodden and closed off. Why? I kept asking myself this. I couldn't understand what it was. I really feel good when I'm single. Why do I feel so miserable when I'm coupled?

Control. To be with someone I have to give up control of some things.

I lost so much of myself when I was married. I gave up so many things I loved, so many things I really liked about myself. And the relationship after that? I can't even go there. Whatever was left of my self-esteem and self-worth, I made sure it was completely gone.

What I realize the most here though is that while I was arguing and saying I wasn't doing any of the things he said, I was doing them all. I have, since my husband, felt like a victim, and you know what? I made myself into one when there was no reason to at all.

I figure there's no reason to go back and analyze the failures of previous post-marriage relationships. I don't want those guys anyhow. For real this time.

I finally met someone who treated me like I was someone of worth. And I blew it. Completely and utterly blew it.

Moving forward is going to be slow going. I'm still in that can't eat, can't sleep, hoping he'll forgive me and give me another chance. But I haven't heard from him in days. Not a peep. And yes, I've send the apologetic fb message. And yes, I've sent a "Good morning! Have a good day!" message too. And nothing. No word. Last we left it, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Then he just quit talking... Well, texting. And I haven't heard a word since.

I wish my frying pan moment meant something to him.

But mostly, I pray to God that he will help me through this. I don't pray very much. He's shown me what I was supposed to learn from this experience (which was my first prayer) and now I want to accept whatever happens. Truly accept it. And not beat myself up for it.

Until then, I will try to eat. And/or sleep. Both would be nice. I haven't had enough food in three days to make one meal, nor enough sleep to make for one night.

I loathe the saying, "It is what it is." But it's truth. I got hit with a frying pan.

Neuroses

I am at fault
My neuroses are full
Self doubt and games
I push and I pull

This time I tried
But deep down I knew
My moments of need
Really want in full view

Rearview, be damned
Time machine, be kind
In the place I live
Never can I rewind

It's always around this time
I crash and burn
This time is different
It's my fault I yearn

He did nothing wrong
Not in word or in deed
He cared and he told
I confused want with my need

If he never speaks again
If he isn't my friend
If I fall from his sight
I know this is the end.