Food

When I am truly sad to the brink of self-destruction, what do I do? I self-destruct. Method of choice? Starvation. Why would you starve yourself, you ask? Well, if I could control it, I would. I get sick every time I try to eat or even drink anything. Last time this happened, I ended up so dehydrated that I took 3 bags of IV fluid and STILL didn't pee.

So, this is my food diary since Saturday:

Saturday:
3 Chick-Fil-A Nuggets and some fries

Sunday:
1/2 raw cookie

Monday:
3 bites of oatmeal, 1/4 piece of Tilapia, 2 bites white rice, about 10 green beans

Tuesday:
1/3 lunch portion order of Mongolian Chicken, 2 bites white rice

I think I have successfully had one full meal when you add all that together.

Guess I'll finally lose that pesky 10 lbs after all. :(

I hate myself skinny. I hope I can eat again soon.

Something New (And Failed Because of Me)

I'm into something new these days... A lot of firsts for me. A lot of firsts that I vowed not to take. He is older, which isn't a first but certainly wasn't on the list of intentions. He's part Filipino, and I've only ever been with Western mutts. He's been married... And divorced... Happily so, it seems, and gets along quite well with the ex. He's got a kid, and that is something I desperately wanted to stay away from. I'm not particularly fond of kids other than my own and sometimes, let's be honest, not even them. Don't get me wrong. I love them and feel like I've lost a limb or two when they're not under my care, but they are anchors, and while I don't want to stray away from where I stay today, I want to be able to float if I want. He isn't a musician. That may not seem like a big deal, but I've never, ever, ever, ever, ever dated someone who wasn't a musician.

I guess it's time for change. Time for me to realize that not every man only thinks about sex, not every man will try to get into my pants on the very first date... Or second, or third, or fourth (sigh)... That it is amazing that a little girl would CHOOSE to live with her father... And that her mother would be OK with that...

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I wrote this exactly a month ago. This is what I lost. This is who I pushed away.

Frying Pan

Have you ever been hit with the frying pan of realization? Had something hit you so hard it shook you to your core and upended many things you have thought about yourself? Well, I just had that happen. It took losing an amazing man to do it. Forgiving myself for this one will be hard.

I have always thought that, while a little neurotic, I was relatively low maintenance. Maybe I was at one time. I don't remember having these same problems with anyone prior to being married or even while I was married. I have become needy. I need physical time, mental time, and lots and lots of reassurance.

Maybe I should wait to see if I find someone who wants someone needy.

Or maybe, I could learn to try to appreciate what I have before I lose it.

I have become a master at self-sabotage. Maybe I'm punishing myself for my failed marriage or some other repressed failure.

While I was doing what I did, I thought I was completely validated. Really. I didn't think I was being overly needy, demanding, whiny, manipulative, or selfish. I really didn't. But everything he said was right. When things didn't go my way, I pitched a fit. When my selfish demands weren't met, I made him feel like he did something wrong. He didn't really play along, which, at the time, I thought, meant he didn't care. Of course, keeping in mind that, at the time, I didn't think I was playing a game. I genuinely thought he just didn't care about me. Which is a fucking crock.

And it took the frying pan of realization hitting me, the ruining of a potentially wonderful and healthy relationship (what the fuck is that anyhow?) to make me see what I am.

The biggest part of the frying pan realization is this: When I am single, I am fine. I am confident and happy and bright spirited and free. When I am in a relationship, I am insecure and sad and downtrodden and closed off. Why? I kept asking myself this. I couldn't understand what it was. I really feel good when I'm single. Why do I feel so miserable when I'm coupled?

Control. To be with someone I have to give up control of some things.

I lost so much of myself when I was married. I gave up so many things I loved, so many things I really liked about myself. And the relationship after that? I can't even go there. Whatever was left of my self-esteem and self-worth, I made sure it was completely gone.

What I realize the most here though is that while I was arguing and saying I wasn't doing any of the things he said, I was doing them all. I have, since my husband, felt like a victim, and you know what? I made myself into one when there was no reason to at all.

I figure there's no reason to go back and analyze the failures of previous post-marriage relationships. I don't want those guys anyhow. For real this time.

I finally met someone who treated me like I was someone of worth. And I blew it. Completely and utterly blew it.

Moving forward is going to be slow going. I'm still in that can't eat, can't sleep, hoping he'll forgive me and give me another chance. But I haven't heard from him in days. Not a peep. And yes, I've send the apologetic fb message. And yes, I've sent a "Good morning! Have a good day!" message too. And nothing. No word. Last we left it, he didn't know what he wanted to do. Then he just quit talking... Well, texting. And I haven't heard a word since.

I wish my frying pan moment meant something to him.

But mostly, I pray to God that he will help me through this. I don't pray very much. He's shown me what I was supposed to learn from this experience (which was my first prayer) and now I want to accept whatever happens. Truly accept it. And not beat myself up for it.

Until then, I will try to eat. And/or sleep. Both would be nice. I haven't had enough food in three days to make one meal, nor enough sleep to make for one night.

I loathe the saying, "It is what it is." But it's truth. I got hit with a frying pan.

Neuroses

I am at fault
My neuroses are full
Self doubt and games
I push and I pull

This time I tried
But deep down I knew
My moments of need
Really want in full view

Rearview, be damned
Time machine, be kind
In the place I live
Never can I rewind

It's always around this time
I crash and burn
This time is different
It's my fault I yearn

He did nothing wrong
Not in word or in deed
He cared and he told
I confused want with my need

If he never speaks again
If he isn't my friend
If I fall from his sight
I know this is the end.

Mae-mae - 10thDoM Choirs of Shadow Flying by Violent Eclipse

Choirs fall upward, singing lovely,

of Garden songs for her life, now a

Shadow, upon which eyes cast down

Flying across the room, darting

by Wishing, screaming, whispering tears,

Violent in their escape, but there's no

Eclipse to a life lived so beautifully.

Sad Flowers - 10thDoM The Language of Bouquets

There are some days when I look at the online newspaper of the city I lived in for 10 years, and my stomach cramps. There are parts of me that long to be there, that miss my house, my friends, my gym, my comfortable life. I still own a house there. I can't get rid of it.

There are days when I think of the drive between my house and my kids' school. The drive that took me through some of the least desirable parts of town and where I passed a strip club, open, with cars in the lot, at 7:45 am... On a Tuesday. And I miss even that drive.

I miss being married, in a marital relationship, in a comfort zone of knowing when and where the next paycheck was coming from. I don't miss when he was home. There were more times when I felt like a stranger in my own house when he was there than I felt comfortable. The comfort was in his absence. Thankfully, he was absent a lot. Sadly, it was not enough.

There are days when I romanticize the tumultuous, horrible relationship I got into after I left one bad situation. I went from very bad to worse than I could have ever imagined. But he was so beautiful. And caring, and thoughtful, and kind, and he was my friend and confidante... Until he wasn't.

There are days that I wake up in the same room I spent 14 of my earliest years and wonder if I should have just stuck it out, if the comfort was worth the apathy, the passive-aggressive put downs, the lack of love, the sadness. He was happy, he said. He shed tears.

I miss the times before we married. Before he told me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce... On our honeymoon. Before he refused to be my shoulder when my mom died or ever thereafter even after begging... For 6 years. Before he told me he hated basically everything I loved... Which were the things he loved about me before he "owned" me.

There are days I remember our Olive Garden Fridays. Always the same Olive Garden. Always the same hostess. Always the same mispronunciation of our last name, Payton, not Patton. Where we would talk and laugh and plan our lives and how we would grow old and be together forever. Before he let me know he thought I would change if I married him.

There are days I remember the diamond heart necklace on our first Valentine's Day. He came up behind me and put it on me as I was talking to my roommates. They thought I was so lucky. And then I remember the first flowers I ever got on Mother's Day, my 7th Mother's Day. The Mother's Day after I told him I was leaving. He didn't even know what kind of flowers I like. But at least they weren't pink roses.

The Key - 10thDoM Right of Qi

The right key
does not hold
the qi you seek

On the left
there is right
And right qi

Vitality rides
on your say
and three days

might kill me
Or cure me
of life.