Saturday, December 26, 2009

Emotional Rapist

When I was 25, I had been married 5 years, had a 2 year old and an infant. I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I knew who I was and where I was going. I married the love of my life. I was in love beyond imagination. At 25, I had been in love with this man for 10 years already. At current age, I have been in love with this man half my life. Well, I would have been if I were still in love with him.

I didn't just wake up one day and fall out of love. I had the love drained from me, slowly and painfully. One day, in August 2008, I was lying in bed with him, listening to how much he just realized that he loved me... Although it wasn't really me, not the me that was in existence in that bed with him. He was in love with the idea of me that he created in his head. He was in love with the me he dated in high school. That was what he was reminiscing about; that was what he loved.

At that point, right in the middle of that conversation, I heard in my head and felt in my heart a "pop" that would change my life forever. That one day, that pop sound I heard, was simply the last of the love draining out of my heart. It isn't like I married the wrong person and we simply grew apart. He, as literally as possible, drained and emotionally beat the love out of me. It is unfathomable to think about even though I experienced it. I would rather have been physically beaten than to endure what I endured. I would rather have physical bruises and scars that I could show people, that even I could see for myself.

Instead, I have apparently become some sort of strange hybrid between an emotional vampire, desperately trying to suck back into me all that has been taken, and an emotional rapist, uncontrollably shoving my emotions into someone who isn't interested in them. I'm aware. I know I do it. I try desperately not to. And I am completely unsuccessful. It is misery to know how ferociously I do it and how I cannot figure out how to control it.


  1. Oh Jelly. It's all becoming clear . . I've often wondered about the cause of your angst. I guess we'd call you 'needy' or 'high maintenance' and I don't know for the life of me how you control such emotions and remain who you are. They're part of your psyche. I guess knowing the problem is a step towards understanding it. Although personally I don't see much wrong with someone who is emotionally open. Beats the pants out of being an emotional cripple and there are far too many of those.