Sunday, December 20, 2009

White Lies - 10thDoM Fear In Shattered Color

Blink and you'll miss. It's a dull grey thud. The slow motion, stop-animation, out of left field blow right into the heart. It's an unfortunate reality, the heart-breaking whiplash and shattering sounds of unrequited love.

You are my worst fear. You are him all over again, and I can't seem to pull myself away. You are pushing me away, and I hate you for it. I hate the way you have deep red power over me. I hate the way you know it and how you use it.

Look at your hands. Are they rusty and blood-stained yet? You wouldn't be able to hear the ear-piercing shatter and scream inside me anyhow. It's a good thing that I'm too naive to know I should shut you out, afraid of losing you.

I'm always in fear. But I don't know how to close up shop, not say what I feel, what I mean. I am not in control of myself, my emotional reactions. I cannot control the blue tears, no matter how much I try. There's little I truly control.

You've gone away. I'm feeling abandoned here in the home you vacillate between claiming and shunning. It's torture to call you but worse not hearing your voice. It's a constant sadness to hear your yellow-bellied coward tone.

I'm not in control. You're sleeping flesh-tone naked in someone else's bed. I'm tired of all the tug-of-war. I'm tired of your vacillation. I'm tired of you acting on what you think you should be instead of what you are. I'm tired of it all.

Figure it out. Decide what you want, and be sure. Don't call me your girlfriend and then retract, don't act like you're my boyfriend and then run away. Quit being a newly green child. Quit being unsure. Quit breaking my heart.

You're either in or out. I'm willing to let you be my worst fear, falling in love, and having to walk away in the end. I'm willing to shatter into pieces over you later to have you now. Your shade is dulling though. Viole(n)t colors fade.

It's a disappointment. The friend I thought you were turns into the black-hearted enemy I didn't need again. I thought a deep friendship foraged over the months when you were miles away would save me from your other you.

Actions are telling. I'm hanging onto disaster, living the dreams of my worst fears. I keep fighting to stay when I should walk away. I'm craving the white knight you said you were instead of the white lies I now know you to be.


  1. A plea for more colorful lies, mayhap? A telling tale of self-inflicted attachment to that which owes nothing for being loved.

  2. Always love your truthful insights even while hating how true they are.

  3. Does "he" read these? Perhaps he should.

  4. I always send the links. It doesn't seem to make much difference. I'm an open book anyhow, so he already knows.

  5. this one drips with emotion...and feeling trapped to a slave to our feelings and desires...