Friday, December 25, 2009

Head and Heart

What do you do when your head and your heart are disconnected? I know, in my head, that I am not loved in return, but my heart wants so badly for that to not be so. I know, in my head, that this relationship is certain to break my heart and my spirit. It has already done both to certain extents at different times. I know, in my head, that staying in this relationship is not a good choice for me. I know, in my head, that I will never have what I want from him. And I know, in my head, that he is exactly like what I just left, he is the familiar, and he is yet another, in a long line, of the type I always seem to find - the type that, somehow, I think needs to be saved. Now, I know, in my head, that none of these men that I love can be saved by me, and more importantly, they don't want to be saved, and they don't want me.

What do I do when my heart and my head do not communicate properly? I feel, in my heart, compassion and love and pain at once, and my head is not on board with what my heart will accept. I feel, in my heart, a desire to hold and be held by someone in whose arms I feel true comfort. I found that, and I will lose that soon enough, and that is true fear. I feel, in my heart, that I am a good person for him. I feel, in my heart, that he will never see that in me. And I feel, in my heart, that he will continue to be exactly what I don't need because that is the kind of person he is, and that is the kind of person he has built himself to be, and that is what he will be, no matter the cost to himself or others. Now, I feel, in my heart of hearts, that love is a gift that I continuously tie with expectations that cannot ever be met by him.

1 comment:

  1. I point you to the quote found at the bottom of my blog.

    ReplyDelete