Learning to Pray

My last ex boyfriend - you know, the one from 2 years ago (has it really been that long!?) who I was so very devastated about losing?

It's true, I was so very devastated, but when I read my blogs from back then, the thing I notice is that from day one, I knew I was supposed to learn something - that he came into my life to teach me something so I could be better. I had hoped it was to be better for him, at the time, because when you're in those moments where you've been treated so badly for so long and then someone comes along and treats you like a princess - even if it is only for a couple of weeks - it's hard to imagine that anyone else could make you feel special or loved.

I felt special. I didn't feel loved.

What did I learn back then, and how does it apply now?

I learned that I am selfish and I love selfishly.
I learned that it is possible for me to be treated like a person of worth.
I learned that I push. And push. And push.
I learned that I need to be more patient, kind, and understanding, especially when I really want to be selfish.
I learned that he wasn't The One; he was just there to show me that there is hope for me, that I could be worth something to someone.
I learned that prayer is powerful. This is a different lesson from learning the power of prayer.

I'm still learning - especially that push thing. I wish I had an off button. And patience. I got really good at it for a while, when the current bf wasn't committed to me. I was so good at knowing that I had to wait until he knew that he wanted to be with me, but I thought that when he knew, it would just be all magical unicorns farting rainbows. Instead, I have to be patient about OTHER things! And every time one thing I'm patient about gets resolved, there's something ELSE to be patient about! And you know what? This one is worth it.

And through him, I've learned the power of prayer. And man, is it powerful! I've also learned that once God starts talking to you, and you start believing, and He starts really giving you positive things and then requests something of you that makes you feel uncomfortable so you don't really do it, He gets REALLY, REALLY loud. And kind of mad. And He'll mess up some of those things He gave you just enough so that you know that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain.

Like, really, Jelly? I gave you the love of your life and all I asked was that you pray together, and that was too much for you? Not that I'm a vengeful God or anything anymore, but I asked you nicely at first, and then I got a little louder and a little louder, and I know that praying out loud together isn't exactly the most comfortable thing in the whole wide world, but it's not like I'm asking you to cut off a finger or get swarmed with locusts or anything. I just asked you to pray. Out loud. Together. And since you're the one hearing Me, it's pretty much on you to make that happen. More importantly, this little request of mine, it's just going to make what I already gave you stronger and more powerful and more positive. It's win, win, win all day long. And you've put Me off for a year because it's UNCOMFORTABLE? There's famine and war and beheadings going on in the world right now and My request for you to pray together - SO THAT WHAT I GAVE YOU GETS EVEN STRONGER - makes you UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!? Give Me a break. I love you, but I'm out. Deuces.

That's pretty much what God did. And when I was on my knees praying for Him to help me understand what I was supposed to be learning, He was like... Um, yeah... That whole prayer thing? I still mean it.

Ok. Ok. I got it. I'll do it. And so I have. And it make me soooooo uncomfortable. But then I remember how much more uncomfortable I am when I DON'T do what He asks, and it's really a no-brainer. Plus, God gave me a seriously amazing gift - little 'ol me - all the while there's all this crud going on in the world. It's the least I could do.

Help. Thanks. Wow. Those are Ann Lamott's three essential prayers. The work. I probably use them in that order, but I want to get to where I'm more like... Wow. Thanks. Help.

I'm learning to pray. I'm learning the power of prayer. I'm learning that the more God is at the forefront of our relationship, the healthier, happier, calmer, and steadier it is. And that's amazing. I know what God wants and I know which path to take. I can't control anyone else, but I can do my part and hope that my partner sees the same path and takes it with me.

Profound Love

I love you like I should not
Too deeply, I'm sure you'd say
Fearfully, timidly, sadly
Profound

Mired deep in your lonely eyes
I'm struggling one pace at a time
Only to fall short of your
Desire

Believe me in my sober days
Leave my drunken words to drown
Never mind my broken heart
Break

And if I'd know all you suffered
If I'd remember all those angers
Struggling, strangling, cowering
Drunk

Never will I say those words
Will I utter those grievances
In hatred's thorny presence
Bare

I am not my mother's daughter
When I will my spew to remain
For no fear is worth losing your
Love

(S)words

I know I am of the dangerous sort
Sour times and daggers thrown
Accurately aimed and piercing

I didn't mean to hurt you so
My words spewed venom to burn
Your heart broken breaks mine

Let me soothe your wounded skin
Salve your seared, sullen soul
I won't wound our love again

Please don't think me so cruel
That curse you felt tore me more
I broke myself in breaking you

Vengeful, misguided (s)words
Tongues are mightier, I'd say
Talented lips sadly quiver now

Every word with love and love
My vow to swallow sharp epee
Banish verbal blades with ease

Pray with me my love, forever
Leave my lashings by the sea
Bleed out loud, I wish to see

Prick the darkness out of me
Dull the verb-sharpened brand
So (s)words fall from you away

It's Not the End, But the End is Near

It's not the end but the end is near
One foot forward, that's all you'll fear
Stick with me, stay here still
Don't learn, don't look back, don't grow, don't feel

We'll just be friends, that's the lie
Not that we can't be lovers til we die
Freeze in time, stand right there
While the love around you flows every elsewhere

All I know, I know I must know
Breathe, pray, love, fear, grow
Just breathe, just breathe
Maybe when he wakes up, he won't really leave

Life is... Good?

I don't even know why I'm writing except I've been trying to keep in touch with friends who help me in dark times and write even though I'm not in a dark time.

So, life is good. I have a lot of ways that life might be considered not so good - like that I'll be filing bankruptcy whenever I finally get sued or that my ex boyfriend is still hung up on me and I can't share Thanksgiving with my current boyfriend because of it (and the fact that they're brothers - oops).

Even not paying my credit card bills, I still live paycheck to paycheck and really need to learn how to budget.

I would like to lose 12.2 lbs - not for aesthetic reasons because if I could look how I look and just weigh 12.2 lbs less AND fit into my wardrobe, I'd be super stoked. I'm happy with my body and how I look (as much as any woman who has had 2 kids can!) but not so much with how I feel. I get overly frustrated with my kids for little things and wish I was a Pinterest mom (but those Pinterest moms are probably bitchy moms behind closed doors too).

The kids' principal drives me insane. I despise nearly everything about her, but she provides amazing experiential learning opportunities for my children that they'd never get anywhere else around here. But she is an extremist, a conformist, and a dictator. And I have lost all respect for her as a person but am grateful for her vision for the school. Maybe one day she'll realize that all children are not created equal. Mine are unusually unique. When they are both in the same classroom next year, God help the teachers.

I have two, possibly three, broken metatarsals. A sprained ankle, high and low. And my car was robbed of a baritone horn that was not mine. As well as a number of other things. It sucked. I'm still figuring out things that were stolen.

My Ehlers-Danlos symptoms are becoming more prevalent. See the losing 12.2 lbs above. I hurt. Every. Single. Day. And sometimes, my joints don't stay where they're supposed to. My knees and hips and ribs seem to be getting it worse than other parts... Except my ankle/foot now. Oh, and my wrist. And my arthritic hands. Geez. I should be bedridden!

I don't really know how to get rid of my continued suitors (I know this shouldn't seem like a problem, but it is) without being blunt and hurtful, which I don't like to do, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. 2 down, 4 to go, but they seem to come out of the woodwork every other month.

Of course, if I were single, there'd be no one looking twice at me. That's ok.

I'm very much in love and I very much feel loved.

And I'm happy even in my SAD times. So it doesn't show as much as I'd like, but it's really amazing how all the above things seem to just be a part of life and not reasons to feel like life is difficult or hard or unfortunate.

Every day, I wake up feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. I really do. I love my life.

My grass is the greener grass.

Slow and Stooped

When we are stooped and slow,
we will walk along the shoreline together,
hand in hand,
still in love,
even more deeply than we are today.
I will still love your beautiful smile
and the sparkle in your grey eyes
and the way we must always be touching somehow.
The years will not be kind,
and you may not always think me beautiful,
but I will always be beautiful
because you once thought I was.
We may marry or not,
but it does not matter to me,
for I have been yours
since well before you knew you were mine.
There will be Joy while we are young,
and it will be often
and you will joke that you are old,
but you are not.
There will be Joy while we are old,
and it will be of a new kind,
something we have not yet discovered
but brings us happily and insatiably
together all the same.
When walking becomes a chore,
we will sit on our porch
(there will be an "our" porch by then)
holding hands while we rock,
sipping coffee, happy to be in the presence
of one another and God,
and we will thank Him.
Again.
I'm not ready to be there yet.
This journey should be slow
and take years.
I think it is possible our love might grow,
probable even, I feel quite sure.
And oh love, my love, I will welcome the day
when we are slow and stooped,
touching hands or feet or elbows or knees
because having space between us
hurts our hearts more than our joints.
I will basque in happy
at how our love has grown immeasurable
and sent rays of hope
through all who have known us.
I do not fear taking care of you
or that you would not take care of me.
That is just one more happy thing we will do
when we grow slow and stooped.

Worry

I worry. I'm good at it. I think of all the things that have gone wrong and all the things that could go wrong. I anticipate the negative feelings and the hurt that all the things going wrong at once will cause me. And then my heart beats so loud I can hear it, and my cheeks flush, and my pores weep with sadness - all before anything bad happens.

I do not fear being alone. I am not afraid I will never find someone. I always have someone. What I do fear is that every time I think I find the right one - or the right enough one - that I am wrong. I fear that I have put so much energy and love and effort and time into someone else, and that my heart will be crushed by this person for the simple fact that he can. And the fact that he cares not for my feelings or my heart like he has said or has maybe even wanted to, but has only truly cared for his desires in a moment - a fleeting moment - or a string of fleeting moment after moments. Instant gratification is a powerful drug.

I do not fear being alone because I have been alone so long. I can care for myself and my kids. In fact, I am proud that I need no one to help me survive this life. It is when I realized this that I accepted that I desire a partner.

I would to share my life with someone who actually cares about me. And I believe that I have found him. And my talent at worry keeps pushing into me, stealing my soul. And so, I am saying to my worry, "Leave me. Let me love. Let me find love. Let me be love. Let me be loved." And while my worry is begging to stay, I am holding my ground, firmly saying NO!