(S)words

I know I am of the dangerous sort
Sour times and daggers thrown
Accurately aimed and piercing

I didn't mean to hurt you so
My words spewed venom to burn
Your heart broken breaks mine

Let me soothe your wounded skin
Salve your seared, sullen soul
I won't wound our love again

Please don't think me so cruel
That curse you felt tore me more
I broke myself in breaking you

Vengeful, misguided (s)words
Tongues are mightier, I'd say
Talented lips sadly quiver now

Every word with love and love
My vow to swallow sharp epee
Banish verbal blades with ease

Pray with me my love, forever
Leave my lashings by the sea
Bleed out loud, I wish to see

Prick the darkness out of me
Dull the verb-sharpened brand
So (s)words fall from you away

It's Not the End, But the End is Near

It's not the end but the end is near
One foot forward, that's all you'll fear
Stick with me, stay here still
Don't learn, don't look back, don't grow, don't feel

We'll just be friends, that's the lie
Not that we can't be lovers til we die
Freeze in time, stand right there
While the love around you flows every elsewhere

All I know, I know I must know
Breathe, pray, love, fear, grow
Just breathe, just breathe
Maybe when he wakes up, he won't really leave

Life is... Good?

I don't even know why I'm writing except I've been trying to keep in touch with friends who help me in dark times and write even though I'm not in a dark time.

So, life is good. I have a lot of ways that life might be considered not so good - like that I'll be filing bankruptcy whenever I finally get sued or that my ex boyfriend is still hung up on me and I can't share Thanksgiving with my current boyfriend because of it (and the fact that they're brothers - oops).

Even not paying my credit card bills, I still live paycheck to paycheck and really need to learn how to budget.

I would like to lose 12.2 lbs - not for aesthetic reasons because if I could look how I look and just weigh 12.2 lbs less AND fit into my wardrobe, I'd be super stoked. I'm happy with my body and how I look (as much as any woman who has had 2 kids can!) but not so much with how I feel. I get overly frustrated with my kids for little things and wish I was a Pinterest mom (but those Pinterest moms are probably bitchy moms behind closed doors too).

The kids' principal drives me insane. I despise nearly everything about her, but she provides amazing experiential learning opportunities for my children that they'd never get anywhere else around here. But she is an extremist, a conformist, and a dictator. And I have lost all respect for her as a person but am grateful for her vision for the school. Maybe one day she'll realize that all children are not created equal. Mine are unusually unique. When they are both in the same classroom next year, God help the teachers.

I have two, possibly three, broken metatarsals. A sprained ankle, high and low. And my car was robbed of a baritone horn that was not mine. As well as a number of other things. It sucked. I'm still figuring out things that were stolen.

My Ehlers-Danlos symptoms are becoming more prevalent. See the losing 12.2 lbs above. I hurt. Every. Single. Day. And sometimes, my joints don't stay where they're supposed to. My knees and hips and ribs seem to be getting it worse than other parts... Except my ankle/foot now. Oh, and my wrist. And my arthritic hands. Geez. I should be bedridden!

I don't really know how to get rid of my continued suitors (I know this shouldn't seem like a problem, but it is) without being blunt and hurtful, which I don't like to do, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. 2 down, 4 to go, but they seem to come out of the woodwork every other month.

Of course, if I were single, there'd be no one looking twice at me. That's ok.

I'm very much in love and I very much feel loved.

And I'm happy even in my SAD times. So it doesn't show as much as I'd like, but it's really amazing how all the above things seem to just be a part of life and not reasons to feel like life is difficult or hard or unfortunate.

Every day, I wake up feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. I really do. I love my life.

My grass is the greener grass.

Slow and Stooped

When we are stooped and slow,
we will walk along the shoreline together,
hand in hand,
still in love,
even more deeply than we are today.
I will still love your beautiful smile
and the sparkle in your grey eyes
and the way we must always be touching somehow.
The years will not be kind,
and you may not always think me beautiful,
but I will always be beautiful
because you once thought I was.
We may marry or not,
but it does not matter to me,
for I have been yours
since well before you knew you were mine.
There will be Joy while we are young,
and it will be often
and you will joke that you are old,
but you are not.
There will be Joy while we are old,
and it will be of a new kind,
something we have not yet discovered
but brings us happily and insatiably
together all the same.
When walking becomes a chore,
we will sit on our porch
(there will be an "our" porch by then)
holding hands while we rock,
sipping coffee, happy to be in the presence
of one another and God,
and we will thank Him.
Again.
I'm not ready to be there yet.
This journey should be slow
and take years.
I think it is possible our love might grow,
probable even, I feel quite sure.
And oh love, my love, I will welcome the day
when we are slow and stooped,
touching hands or feet or elbows or knees
because having space between us
hurts our hearts more than our joints.
I will basque in happy
at how our love has grown immeasurable
and sent rays of hope
through all who have known us.
I do not fear taking care of you
or that you would not take care of me.
That is just one more happy thing we will do
when we grow slow and stooped.

Worry

I worry. I'm good at it. I think of all the things that have gone wrong and all the things that could go wrong. I anticipate the negative feelings and the hurt that all the things going wrong at once will cause me. And then my heart beats so loud I can hear it, and my cheeks flush, and my pores weep with sadness - all before anything bad happens.

I do not fear being alone. I am not afraid I will never find someone. I always have someone. What I do fear is that every time I think I find the right one - or the right enough one - that I am wrong. I fear that I have put so much energy and love and effort and time into someone else, and that my heart will be crushed by this person for the simple fact that he can. And the fact that he cares not for my feelings or my heart like he has said or has maybe even wanted to, but has only truly cared for his desires in a moment - a fleeting moment - or a string of fleeting moment after moments. Instant gratification is a powerful drug.

I do not fear being alone because I have been alone so long. I can care for myself and my kids. In fact, I am proud that I need no one to help me survive this life. It is when I realized this that I accepted that I desire a partner.

I would to share my life with someone who actually cares about me. And I believe that I have found him. And my talent at worry keeps pushing into me, stealing my soul. And so, I am saying to my worry, "Leave me. Let me love. Let me find love. Let me be love. Let me be loved." And while my worry is begging to stay, I am holding my ground, firmly saying NO!

Thank You

I never know what to write when I'm happy or content.

I've now written and erased four different routes to take for this blog.

It makes me truly happy to have my "anonymous" diary here that no one reads. Quite interesting really.

This is my time to say thank you. Thank you for hearing me, thank you for the process, thank you for the pain, and thank you for the alleviation of pain. Thank you for giving me strength to put one foot in front of the other, thank you for keeping on pushing me to believe in the positive, thank you for reminding me that even if things didn't go the way I wanted that there would be better, happier days ahead and that the pain would only be temporary. Thank you for truly making me know THAT. Thank you for the fear that is still in my heart, and thank you for the fortitude to move forward in fear. Thank you for the fear that is in him, and thank you for having him say to me, "it hurt not to be with you."

And wow. Wow at the ability to look at him and know love. Wow at the complete sensory experience he is for me. Just wow.

And help, there's always a cry for help. Help us. Help me. Help him. Help me help him. Help him help me. Help us both help each other and help us trust you. Help us turn to you in those dark times. Help us to hear you and see you and use your love to amplify ours. But, again, just help. Please.

And thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank. You. Thank you.

Amen

I am fearful. I am faithful.

These should be in the reverse order, but I'm not there yet.

I know you, my dear myriads of readers , are always on the edge of your seat wondering what is happening in my love life next.

I know this... God puts these men, whether they are lessons or blessings, in my life. I allow myself to attach my happiness to them. Then, for whatever reason, they leave me or I leave them. If I leave them, I make my peace beforehand. One ex-lover likened the process to cutting him out like a cancer. I'd say that was a damn good metaphor. If they leave me, no matter how far in advance I am given warning signs, it is always a heartbreaking surprise. I can only look back, when I come out of my coma of despair, and see that, oh, yeah... There were clear as day signs.

So now... I'm looking all around. I do know my man is scared, and for many reasons - his history in relationships and his history with addiction being the top 2. He's 5 years into sobriety. And he's worked very hard at making better decisions.

I am his first relationship entered into since his sobriety. My hope is that I can discern normal fears and reactions due to circumstances from negative road signs along our way.

My prayer is this... That we make good decisions about each other for God, for ourselves, and for each other... And that our eyes be opened to a happy, healthy path that brings us closer together. And to only be faithful, not fearful, or, at least more faithful than fearful...

Amen.