Heavy

My heart falls heavy into your hands.

And when I expect you to catch me, and you don't, I will rip you, confuse you, blame you, and hate you.

All because my love wasn't met.

When will I see, when will I open my eyes?

Where will my heart fall when I allow her to be tender and gentle?

Find me deep, dependent on fears.

Wash my soul, oh Lord, and let me find calm.

Clear my head, and let me live today.

Hold my hand, and lead the way.

Show me where my heart should go.

I'm tired of falling.

My heart falls heavy into your hands, searing your flesh, breaking your bones, and I can't expect you to keep holding on.

Fall

I fall in love. It's kind of what I do. Obsessively and deeply and too quickly. I'm not exactly sure I know what love is. I have a pretty good idea of what love isn't though. Through my many trials - as a child watching the world around her, as a teen exploring far too often and too freely, as a wife trying to be what everyone expected, and as a person trying to move on and repeating the same mistakes over and over - I have figured out more about what love isn't and what I don't want than what love is and what I do want...

But I have this...

I want to ride a bike taxi in Savannah with you.
I want to try new things that I never thought I would.
I want to make you feel like you are worthy and loved.
I want to take you to Asheville to meet my uncle.
I want to think about trying cigars (and probably never go through with it).
I want to keep feeling like I'm worthy and loved.
I want to hold hands while walking down the street of some downtown, USA.
I want to watch you while you get excited about salt and pepper shakers.
I want to be cocooned in you.
I want to know what it feels like for someone to stand up for me.
I want to love and be loved back.
I want to argue and scream and cry and you still be there, standing steady at the end of the night.
I want to be reminded over and over again that it's ok to say what's on my mind.
I want to know that you don't care how neurotic I am, you still like me anyhow.
I want to share storytime every night.
I want to take care of you when you're sick.
I want to be taken care of when I need it.
I want to curl up in your lap when I'm sad and be petted until I feel better.
I want to watch silly movies together.
I want to believe this could work.
I want what we have now, forever.