Friday, March 18, 2011

Missing - 10thDoM Give A Hand To The Future

I miss you like crazy and think of you far too often. Thoughts of you these days bring tears to my eyes. If you knew about this blog or the things I write, have written, will write about you, you'd be furious. I think, as an artist yourself, you should understand, but you've never created any art with feeling, so I suppose you are incapable in that aspect. I wish I'd known before that you couldn't process feelings as art therapy. I wish I'd known before than you couldn't process feelings.

All the things I thought of you that I knew would eventually turn me off from you are still there, but all the things I slowly came to enjoy about you push those things away. How is it so easy to throw away three months of good for a week of bad? How is it that you cared so little or knew so little - I'm unsure of which, maybe both - about me that you didn't understand how cruel your timing was? It's largely my fault, in many ways, how I didn't let you in. I wasn't honest. You didn't know that I fell asleep with my ex on the phone after I'd said my good nights to you because I hadn't, probably haven't, completely let go. I turned him down for you though. I didn't want to, but I thought you were worth it. I was wrong. It was a good choice, whether I like to admit it or not, but I didn't turn him down for me, which is what I should have done and where I should be. I turned him down for you. I turned him and him and him down for you, too. And I was happy that I had you to be able to turn them down for because I wouldn't have done it on my own.

I was happy with you. You brought music back to me, and I was living the life I felt I should have been living the past 10 years, the life I gave up for him. And I was happy. It was a fragile, tentative, fearful happy, but it was a happy nonetheless. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I was terrified, I told you from the start. I was so scared - scared of moving forward with you and scared of losing you, scared of letting you in and scared of keeping you too far away. I didn't find balance, and my fear is now reality.

I miss you every day. And for the relatively short time we were together, I got to be happy, and having that ripped away without even realizing that anything was wrong was debilitating. I never expected the sweet, kind guy I was falling for to become this cold, callous void in my life nearly overnight. You not only took yourself away and my happiness and relief at being in a nice, slow, kind relationship away, you took away the music, and that was devastating.

I know you're not the one, that you're not in my future. So much of me is fighting that and can't accept the man I thought could be so perfect for me, who would tell me when I crossed the line (I really was glad you did that), who would keep me at arms length for a while (I really did appreciate that), who had his own life and didn't want to take care of someone else (I really loved that), and who made me feel like I was worth something (I really can't tell you what that did for me or what having that go away did to me) is really gone. It's amazing how fast we went from lying in each other's arms on your couch to not even being able to speak to each other. It was all more than I could take.

I miss holding hands, good night, sweet dreams. I miss the idea that we could keep up this slow, kind pace and maybe one day find something more. I miss the music. I truly, truly miss you.


  1. aw. i don't know what else to say. it's true and honest, and sad.

  2. Looks like we've both been confessing a little this time round. Better to have loved and lost? Nah whoever said that didn't understand.

  3. I dislike bad endings and the empty places they leave.

    I wonder if this piece is real. It sounds as though it is.

  4. Everything I write is real; it's a matter of which parts - all or just some. ;oP

    That's why they all have bad endings... I haven't experienced a happy one yet and don't know what that would be like.

  5. This does sound real, so much so that it felt like I'd written it several years ago, and just came upon it again. Were that so, I'd look back and tell myself that I would get over it, get over him, and learn to do all those things I was missing for myself.

    Maybe I should tell you the same things...

  6. Oh how achingly sad. With Baino's piece and now this, you've got me thinking of my biggest regret, which after 23 years you'd think I'd be over. Honestly written, heartfelt and lovely. I hope you find the music again.

  7. definitely a sad one...i can hear the heavy the honesty

  8. I think this needs to be seen / sent.
    It is amazing how we effect each other and not realize the depth. -J