What a week...written in December

When I'm in a funk/depression about a relationship, I do stupid things. And when I say stupid things, I mean like married men. Well, just one married man, and only like once a year, and always drunk... And another "off limits" (but for other reasons) kind of guy, stone cold sober. He's not married but he's far more off limits than any married guy I know... Sigh...

I feel more guilt about the married guy's mistress than his wife.

I don't feel any guilt about the other guy and very much hope that it continues until one of us finds someone or until the 'off limits' stigma dissipates some, which it probably can't. Which is too bad because of all the men I've ever known, dated, or even found attractive, he would probably be the most compatible with me, my quirks, my moodiness, my neuroses, etc. He knows me better than people who should know me better and with far less information. Not even able to romanticize it because I've thought it and expressed it multiple times over the past couple of years to a very good friend here, who is male and completely agrees. It's a very frustrating place to be. But wow. And wow. Such is my life... Sigh...