Chapter 5 - Of Feral Mind and Carnal Heart
Finding out that I actually do like sex - after 10 years of hating it - was an amazing miracle. I don't know if it's the new person or the fact that it's not with the old person. Why would I ever want to have sex with someone who forced me to, even when in excruciating pain? I didn't, and he would accuse me of not loving him. That was the beginning of my broken heart.
All I can think about now is the next time I get to have sex. Twice a day is never enough. I'm so ecstatic about actually enjoying it that I can't get enough. It could be my age, or it could be the man, but I mostly think it's just finding out that I could still like it. I'm terrified of the feeling waning before I want.
But I'm different now from then, and even more different from when I was a teen. I was feral as a teen, not nearly as discerning as I should have been. Always sneaking, always on the prowl. I didn't care about fidelity or monogamy, and I wasn't worried about pregnancy or disease. When the mom of one of my boyfriends found the socks we used to "clean" ourselves up and confronted us about it, we laughed and left the house.
It wasn't a big deal to go a few days or even weeks between sexual encounters back then, and it was heaven to go days, weeks, or lovely months without sex during my marriage. Now, it's hours, and I can't stand it. And my heart has gone carnal, uncontrollably evil, vindictive, and animalistic. It's only a matter of time.
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Honest writing.
ReplyDeleteIf it were possible, my rolling eyes would continue down the street.
ReplyDeleteAll of the many attitudes you describe come from your mind. You have changed you mind, your attitude.
ReplyDeleteMad Hatter