Worry

I worry. I'm good at it. I think of all the things that have gone wrong and all the things that could go wrong. I anticipate the negative feelings and the hurt that all the things going wrong at once will cause me. And then my heart beats so loud I can hear it, and my cheeks flush, and my pores weep with sadness - all before anything bad happens.

I do not fear being alone. I am not afraid I will never find someone. I always have someone. What I do fear is that every time I think I find the right one - or the right enough one - that I am wrong. I fear that I have put so much energy and love and effort and time into someone else, and that my heart will be crushed by this person for the simple fact that he can. And the fact that he cares not for my feelings or my heart like he has said or has maybe even wanted to, but has only truly cared for his desires in a moment - a fleeting moment - or a string of fleeting moment after moments. Instant gratification is a powerful drug.

I do not fear being alone because I have been alone so long. I can care for myself and my kids. In fact, I am proud that I need no one to help me survive this life. It is when I realized this that I accepted that I desire a partner.

I would to share my life with someone who actually cares about me. And I believe that I have found him. And my talent at worry keeps pushing into me, stealing my soul. And so, I am saying to my worry, "Leave me. Let me love. Let me find love. Let me be love. Let me be loved." And while my worry is begging to stay, I am holding my ground, firmly saying NO!