Life is... Good?

I don't even know why I'm writing except I've been trying to keep in touch with friends who help me in dark times and write even though I'm not in a dark time.

So, life is good. I have a lot of ways that life might be considered not so good - like that I'll be filing bankruptcy whenever I finally get sued or that my ex boyfriend is still hung up on me and I can't share Thanksgiving with my current boyfriend because of it (and the fact that they're brothers - oops).

Even not paying my credit card bills, I still live paycheck to paycheck and really need to learn how to budget.

I would like to lose 12.2 lbs - not for aesthetic reasons because if I could look how I look and just weigh 12.2 lbs less AND fit into my wardrobe, I'd be super stoked. I'm happy with my body and how I look (as much as any woman who has had 2 kids can!) but not so much with how I feel. I get overly frustrated with my kids for little things and wish I was a Pinterest mom (but those Pinterest moms are probably bitchy moms behind closed doors too).

The kids' principal drives me insane. I despise nearly everything about her, but she provides amazing experiential learning opportunities for my children that they'd never get anywhere else around here. But she is an extremist, a conformist, and a dictator. And I have lost all respect for her as a person but am grateful for her vision for the school. Maybe one day she'll realize that all children are not created equal. Mine are unusually unique. When they are both in the same classroom next year, God help the teachers.

I have two, possibly three, broken metatarsals. A sprained ankle, high and low. And my car was robbed of a baritone horn that was not mine. As well as a number of other things. It sucked. I'm still figuring out things that were stolen.

My Ehlers-Danlos symptoms are becoming more prevalent. See the losing 12.2 lbs above. I hurt. Every. Single. Day. And sometimes, my joints don't stay where they're supposed to. My knees and hips and ribs seem to be getting it worse than other parts... Except my ankle/foot now. Oh, and my wrist. And my arthritic hands. Geez. I should be bedridden!

I don't really know how to get rid of my continued suitors (I know this shouldn't seem like a problem, but it is) without being blunt and hurtful, which I don't like to do, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. 2 down, 4 to go, but they seem to come out of the woodwork every other month.

Of course, if I were single, there'd be no one looking twice at me. That's ok.

I'm very much in love and I very much feel loved.

And I'm happy even in my SAD times. So it doesn't show as much as I'd like, but it's really amazing how all the above things seem to just be a part of life and not reasons to feel like life is difficult or hard or unfortunate.

Every day, I wake up feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. I really do. I love my life.

My grass is the greener grass.

Slow and Stooped

When we are stooped and slow,
we will walk along the shoreline together,
hand in hand,
still in love,
even more deeply than we are today.
I will still love your beautiful smile
and the sparkle in your grey eyes
and the way we must always be touching somehow.
The years will not be kind,
and you may not always think me beautiful,
but I will always be beautiful
because you once thought I was.
We may marry or not,
but it does not matter to me,
for I have been yours
since well before you knew you were mine.
There will be Joy while we are young,
and it will be often
and you will joke that you are old,
but you are not.
There will be Joy while we are old,
and it will be of a new kind,
something we have not yet discovered
but brings us happily and insatiably
together all the same.
When walking becomes a chore,
we will sit on our porch
(there will be an "our" porch by then)
holding hands while we rock,
sipping coffee, happy to be in the presence
of one another and God,
and we will thank Him.
Again.
I'm not ready to be there yet.
This journey should be slow
and take years.
I think it is possible our love might grow,
probable even, I feel quite sure.
And oh love, my love, I will welcome the day
when we are slow and stooped,
touching hands or feet or elbows or knees
because having space between us
hurts our hearts more than our joints.
I will basque in happy
at how our love has grown immeasurable
and sent rays of hope
through all who have known us.
I do not fear taking care of you
or that you would not take care of me.
That is just one more happy thing we will do
when we grow slow and stooped.

Worry

I worry. I'm good at it. I think of all the things that have gone wrong and all the things that could go wrong. I anticipate the negative feelings and the hurt that all the things going wrong at once will cause me. And then my heart beats so loud I can hear it, and my cheeks flush, and my pores weep with sadness - all before anything bad happens.

I do not fear being alone. I am not afraid I will never find someone. I always have someone. What I do fear is that every time I think I find the right one - or the right enough one - that I am wrong. I fear that I have put so much energy and love and effort and time into someone else, and that my heart will be crushed by this person for the simple fact that he can. And the fact that he cares not for my feelings or my heart like he has said or has maybe even wanted to, but has only truly cared for his desires in a moment - a fleeting moment - or a string of fleeting moment after moments. Instant gratification is a powerful drug.

I do not fear being alone because I have been alone so long. I can care for myself and my kids. In fact, I am proud that I need no one to help me survive this life. It is when I realized this that I accepted that I desire a partner.

I would to share my life with someone who actually cares about me. And I believe that I have found him. And my talent at worry keeps pushing into me, stealing my soul. And so, I am saying to my worry, "Leave me. Let me love. Let me find love. Let me be love. Let me be loved." And while my worry is begging to stay, I am holding my ground, firmly saying NO!

Thank You

I never know what to write when I'm happy or content.

I've now written and erased four different routes to take for this blog.

It makes me truly happy to have my "anonymous" diary here that no one reads. Quite interesting really.

This is my time to say thank you. Thank you for hearing me, thank you for the process, thank you for the pain, and thank you for the alleviation of pain. Thank you for giving me strength to put one foot in front of the other, thank you for keeping on pushing me to believe in the positive, thank you for reminding me that even if things didn't go the way I wanted that there would be better, happier days ahead and that the pain would only be temporary. Thank you for truly making me know THAT. Thank you for the fear that is still in my heart, and thank you for the fortitude to move forward in fear. Thank you for the fear that is in him, and thank you for having him say to me, "it hurt not to be with you."

And wow. Wow at the ability to look at him and know love. Wow at the complete sensory experience he is for me. Just wow.

And help, there's always a cry for help. Help us. Help me. Help him. Help me help him. Help him help me. Help us both help each other and help us trust you. Help us turn to you in those dark times. Help us to hear you and see you and use your love to amplify ours. But, again, just help. Please.

And thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. Thank. You. Thank you.

Amen

I am fearful. I am faithful.

These should be in the reverse order, but I'm not there yet.

I know you, my dear myriads of readers , are always on the edge of your seat wondering what is happening in my love life next.

I know this... God puts these men, whether they are lessons or blessings, in my life. I allow myself to attach my happiness to them. Then, for whatever reason, they leave me or I leave them. If I leave them, I make my peace beforehand. One ex-lover likened the process to cutting him out like a cancer. I'd say that was a damn good metaphor. If they leave me, no matter how far in advance I am given warning signs, it is always a heartbreaking surprise. I can only look back, when I come out of my coma of despair, and see that, oh, yeah... There were clear as day signs.

So now... I'm looking all around. I do know my man is scared, and for many reasons - his history in relationships and his history with addiction being the top 2. He's 5 years into sobriety. And he's worked very hard at making better decisions.

I am his first relationship entered into since his sobriety. My hope is that I can discern normal fears and reactions due to circumstances from negative road signs along our way.

My prayer is this... That we make good decisions about each other for God, for ourselves, and for each other... And that our eyes be opened to a happy, healthy path that brings us closer together. And to only be faithful, not fearful, or, at least more faithful than fearful...

Amen.

In Love

Now for the realization.

I'm in love...

With an addict.


And the big question is...

Can I do this?

Or even, can he?


Is there enough...

Prayer, love, respect,

And that sense of need?


We are better...

As Individuals

Together.


I am

Most definitely

In Love.

Help

I never know what to say to you when I'm supposed to be patient and quiet. Those times before that I have known I'm suffocating you and you don't even say a word, you just let me suffocate you until I get the picture. You're always kind then. But this time, I suffocated you enough that you asked to be allowed to breathe. I'm suffocating, not breathing so that you can. And I wish you wouldn't let me feel this. And maybe it's in the fact that you would let me feel this horrible way that says I shouldn't wish to be with you so much. Maybe it's the sign I need but it's not getting all the way through all the good that's been.

This kind of physical pain is not something I take very well. I will be better. If I've learned nothing from my past instances of similar pain, it is that it will end or subside or, at least, lessen. For a while. Then it will return but duller. And each time, I will cry silently and out loud. Each time, I will try to take the kids to do fun things and the attempt will be so exhausting that I will come home and lie in bed for 2 days just to recover. Part of that is emotional. Part of that is the EDS. Struggling through EDS while dealing with emotional stress leaves me nearly bed-ridden.

It amazes me how physically I feel pain when the real problem is emotional. I cannot eat except every other day or so when my body's needs override the nausea and discomfort. I try to eat as many calories as possible on those days, even if they are "bad" calories. I had a half of a corndog yesterday and a few french fries. The day before, a couple of wonton tacos and some sizzling rice soup. The day before that, a slice of banana bread. And the day before that, nothing.

I want to say to you. Stand up. Be strong. Don't be afraid of being amazing and great. Don't be afraid of yourself. Stand up for the good we've created. If you're going to put me in the same category as God and Anne Lamott and AA and Still Waters, then why would you let that go? Why would you say you're the best you've ever been and give me credit for that but push me aside because you fear your brother's tantrums and hurt? Yes, he is hurt. We lied. Yes, he will be hurt; he holds onto hurt like it's a prized possession.

Which brings me to this... Was it all a lie? Was it just about sex or getting back at your brother or making a martyr of yourself to him to prove how much he means to you? Was I just a plaything? I never felt like that with you, ever. I thought it was completely genuine and that you wanted what we had, even though it was sometimes scary to think of yourself as being worthy or able to be in a relationship.

Is it even important for me to know what this was? Why would God make me so sure of you, and I mean, CONVINCED that we are meant to be only to throw this wrench in and have you freak out. Was I here for you? Were you here for me? Is our job in each others' lives over?

Which leads me to - what the fuck am I supposed to be learning? Why finally give me a relationship where I actually get to FEEL loved and cared about and considered only to rip it away from me? Is there something better? Is there someone better? Or is this a test to see if we're really meant to be? Or is this a point in time to teach us to appreciate each other even more? What am I going through this for? What kind of lesson is in this pain?

I'm trying to let go. It is like my insides are being ripped out. I am full of hate and anger and sadness and despair. I know I'll come out the other side better than before, whether it be with or without him. It's very hard to imagine at the moment though, very hard to believe. I only know it to be true because it happens every time.

So, I'm praying for help. And I hope You hear me. Because I need it.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

How do you put me in the same category with Anne Lamott and God and then tell me it's not good enough. How the fuck is that not good enough? I'm in the same fucking category with fucking God for Christ's sake!

How do you say you're the best you've ever been with me but that it's not good enough? How is the best you've ever been not enough? I mean, it's the best you've ever fucking been!

You're lying to me or you're lying to yourself. Both will ruin your life.

Sincerely,
Me

Dream

I dream of a life where I'm not constantly fighting to be important or special, where I just am, and decisions are easy.

But I'm scary and passionate. I fall too hard too fast and always for someone who doesn't... or can't... Love Me Back.

They always declare their love after I've gone. When I no longer have fight or feelings left.

I dream of a life where he and I just continue to grow and care and disagree and argue and still rather be with each other than apart. That is 90% so good that the 10% bad is just that needed blip to keep it interesting for me.

Recognizing I can't have 100% good because I need to fight. I only want it bad enough to let me fight once in a while.

One fight or fuss a month. That's good for me. A fight where I'm heard and he's heard and we end up closer because we respected each other through the process. But not such a fight I get scared he'll leave or that I threaten to leave.

I am in love. Love. Or dreamland.

Hurdle

In the end, if the hurdle is so big you don't want to climb over it with me, then you must not want to be with me. I have to accept that. Please, God, help me accept that.

Collapsing

I feel myself collapsing. Everything around me falling onto me, caving in on top of me. I painted a picture too good to be true, and when I peeled back the paint, I remembered that it was all a lie. My heart is achy and shredded. My stomach raw and angry.

I knew this day would come. I knew it couldn't last. Why I let myself believe that we could overcome the obstacles, I know. I'm always wanting the movie, the fairytale, the love story that shouldn't have been but made it anyhow despite adversity. I need the drama. I crave it. I think it's because I want to feel - even if it's pain, I want to feel - really, truly FEEL.

The quiet is deafening, defeating.

Pink Guitar

My girl has a pink guitar
She never plays with it at all
It hangs on the wall, a decoration in fact
And she likes to show it to her friends
I like it okay, she'd say, but I'm not sure it's the one I want
She wishes she had a different, better guitar
Maybe that one she played with once somewhere, sometime else

But if I took her guitar away
It might be a day or two before she'd notice
And then she'd wail and scream and shout
It was the very best guitar in the world, she'd say out loud
It was the perfect one for me
She would be so devastated and sad
How could I not know that it was her favorite thing ever

She'd sulk for weeks, nay months, even years
Into its place on the wall, she'd stare
Keeping its space open just in case it returns
Fabricating memories of how she loved it so
And how, if she had it now, she'd care until the day she dies
She'd dust it and play it every day, at least
Though when it was hers, she barely knew it was there

Unfriend

So... Two things...

One... I never posted an update (not that more than 2 or sometimes 3 people even look at this, for which I'm eternally grateful) on what I might have realized from all the torment of last year's boyfriend. So, here it is...

It took me WAAAAAY too long and a LOT of guilt and blaming of myself that were probably over the top and not necessarily honest. It's easier to look for the bad in myself than the bad in others. If I did something wrong, then maybe I can fix it.

In the end, what I realized is that he wanted/wants the whole shebang - marriage and more kids - and I made it very, very clear early on that kids are not even a consideration and marriage is not on my agenda. I also think that he had built me up to be a certain way and easily controllable in his head and I wasn't. And while it needed to end because there's no way in Hell, no matter how great I thought he was, that I was going to have more kids, it was not ALL my fault, and no one deserves to be treated that way. Cutting someone out and ignoring them and then talking to them and pretending nothing has happened is just cruel. Grow some balls and spell it out. Especially if you care.

Which brings us to...

Two... Out of the blue, more than 6 months after the last time we even spoke (via fb messenger to wish each other a Happy Christmas), he fb messages me to say, "I'm sorry you hate me."

His astute observation of my feelings toward him came from the fact that I had defriended him on fb. I just didn't want to see him in my main feed or the little side feed thing. I didn't say anything about it, and I did it probably in Feb or March, and yeah, it might have felt a little good and powerful to wield my mouse over the "Unfriend" command. He made some apology about being selfish and not communicating well and lamenting his sadness over not having my daughter on his soccer team. I told him I didn't hate him and that we were just fine.

I mean, what else do you say to someone like that? No feelings came up, no wistful thoughts, just confusion and my usual wonder at human nature that I don't ever, ever seem to understand. And, quite frankly, I think it was important to let him know that I don't hate him. I learned. I'm thankful. He helped me discover some important things about myself - things that I'm attempting to practice.

So... Onto the next. I think that might have been closure. For me, at least.

God Says

God says, "Love him and believe in him; he needs it."

How the world works is of great intrigue to me... Last night, I click a link on facebook to some Craig Ferguson videos, and the one I thought I was going to watch wasn't there/didn't work, but his rant on addiction was there (and how he made that funny is called talent, folks) and I couldn't turn it off even though it was a nearly 10 minute monologue. Then, I wake up this morning to find out that an attractive actor from a show I don't watch has passed away, an addict who was clean for years, relapsed, seemed to be on the upswing, but died of an apparent drug overdose.

People who seem to have it all on the outside might not see themselves, their light, their beauty, their kindness, their funniness, their sheer awesomeness that everyone else sees. When addicts look in the mirror, when they think of themselves, they see their failings, their mistakes, their inherent bad-ness.

Sometimes, I need to be reminded of this because of my current situation.

God says, "Love him and believe in him; he needs it." Clear as day. No promises of success. No promises of any kind of result.

Just -

"Love him and believe in him; he needs it."

That's really hard to do without expectations and wanting of your own needs or desires. Especially when you, as most humans, are selfish and wanty.

God is teaching me. I posted many blogs at the end of last year about a man I thought was amazing and all that and a bag of chips. In the months after our very strange break-up, I prayed every day, multiple times a day, for God to help me accept what was happening and to show me what I was supposed to learn.

I think I am now in the midst of being shown what I was supposed to learn. At least one of the things I think God intends me to learn about is unselfish love.

Scattered as all my thoughts are, I have these moments where God shows me I'm on the right path. I also have these moments where God shows me glimpses of why he said - Love him and believe in him; he needs it. It is because he is one of those people who doesn't see how wonderful he is. On more than one occasion, I have been genuinely surprised to hear how he views himself, and worse, how he thinks other people view him. And the saddest part of that is that people genuinely like him and think he is an outstanding man.

I know that feeling better than I'd like to admit myself, so I'm even learning about myself in this entire process.

And no, I don't think I'm here to heal or fix him by any stretch of the imagination. Most days, it seems the opposite is happening - that he is here to heal or fix me. It makes me think of a lyric from a popular song out now, "Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving." I am probably getting more out of this than he is, even if I am able to successfully do exactly what God says - "Love him and believe in him; he needs it." Funny thing is that what I feel is this - "Love him and believe in him; YOU need it." Meaning I need to let go and learn to just love and believe in someone without selfish desires. And I need, in part, simply to be ABLE to do it.

Even when I hear God, I try to talk myself out of it. And he's been sending me a new message, and it's in an area I'm not comfortable with when I'm just by myself, much less with anyone else, so I'm fighting it. I at least partially gave in, but it's really uncomfortable.

God says, "Pray together."

I told him I thought we should, and instead of the anticipated negative reaction, I got a smile and an, "ok." So, we prayed a simple Anne Lamott prayer, "Lord, help."

And I think that's probably the best prayer I can pray these days.

"Lord, help."

And I'll keep listening and feeling for the next thing that God says.

Heavy

My heart falls heavy into your hands.

And when I expect you to catch me, and you don't, I will rip you, confuse you, blame you, and hate you.

All because my love wasn't met.

When will I see, when will I open my eyes?

Where will my heart fall when I allow her to be tender and gentle?

Find me deep, dependent on fears.

Wash my soul, oh Lord, and let me find calm.

Clear my head, and let me live today.

Hold my hand, and lead the way.

Show me where my heart should go.

I'm tired of falling.

My heart falls heavy into your hands, searing your flesh, breaking your bones, and I can't expect you to keep holding on.

Fall

I fall in love. It's kind of what I do. Obsessively and deeply and too quickly. I'm not exactly sure I know what love is. I have a pretty good idea of what love isn't though. Through my many trials - as a child watching the world around her, as a teen exploring far too often and too freely, as a wife trying to be what everyone expected, and as a person trying to move on and repeating the same mistakes over and over - I have figured out more about what love isn't and what I don't want than what love is and what I do want...

But I have this...

I want to ride a bike taxi in Savannah with you.
I want to try new things that I never thought I would.
I want to make you feel like you are worthy and loved.
I want to take you to Asheville to meet my uncle.
I want to think about trying cigars (and probably never go through with it).
I want to keep feeling like I'm worthy and loved.
I want to hold hands while walking down the street of some downtown, USA.
I want to watch you while you get excited about salt and pepper shakers.
I want to be cocooned in you.
I want to know what it feels like for someone to stand up for me.
I want to love and be loved back.
I want to argue and scream and cry and you still be there, standing steady at the end of the night.
I want to be reminded over and over again that it's ok to say what's on my mind.
I want to know that you don't care how neurotic I am, you still like me anyhow.
I want to share storytime every night.
I want to take care of you when you're sick.
I want to be taken care of when I need it.
I want to curl up in your lap when I'm sad and be petted until I feel better.
I want to watch silly movies together.
I want to believe this could work.
I want what we have now, forever.

Leave Him Alone

Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Leave him alone.

I need to repeat this to myself. A lot. Just let it be.

Just let it be. Just let it be. Just let him be.

It is important to let him miss me. He always does and it's the best feeling.

I am scared and happy and scared of being happy.

Scary

Why am I such a scary and intimidating person? I really dislike that those terms are used to describe me and even moreso, how often - especially in reference to being in a relationship with me. 

I have high expectations and I'm passionate. Those are the two things I think make me scary and intimidating.

Oh well. Sigh.

Over

I hate when I'm in overdrive
Where overrunning thoughts
Override my existence
Overthinking every whisper
Every overwrought word
Overhauling my heart
Over and over again
And every overturned soul
Becomes some oversized woe
Even overnight tears won't dry
When you're overlooking the lie
And the overwhelming truth is
It's simply over

Falling

Of course I'd fall for you
Unavailable
Full of your rules and limits
Knowing I'll oblige
Push me now
It just makes me pull harder

I'm falling where I know I should run
But I'm running full speed
Into your walls
I might chip them away
Or pretend I do at least
I'll be your invisible girl

I'll lie and say I can do it
Compartmentalize with the best
I'll pretend aloof
Shudder when you touch my back
Sigh when you say my name
Smile with every secret kiss

I'll fall for you harder every time
Lie to us both and say I'm fine
Happy to be your unknown
Part of me really is
It keeps me down
Living my invisible girl dreams