I'm going numb again. I'm disconnecting. I can feel the distance you're pushing tied to the walls you're building, and it's damaging me. I feel more tears behind my eyes than smiles crossing my lips when I think of you now. It's deja vu, and I don't want you to be like him, but you are. I can feel myself starting to turn away. I won't scream and shout. This is as loud as I'll be.
Tell me how unhealthy I am for you right after you tell me I'm the only healthy thing you have. Lay the blame on me when you can't figure out what you feel, when your head is fucked by someone else. You'd rather it be me; I'm the easier target, easier to let go. You'll never fully know what that did to me. It's not retractable. Tell me you miss me, then show me how many ways you can ignore me. Make sure you'd rather spend time with someone who makes it a mission to make you feel bad every time you're in their presence. Whisper how much you like the things I have, conveniently leave me out of the equation. I always wonder what happens in your times in between. Don't look for fires from me. The best I can do is a few sad tears.
You begged for me to lean on you, and I let myself go. I let myself believe in you and nowadays when I need to lean the most, you slip to the side. It's just enough to let me sink rather than fall. Do you convince yourself I won't notice you've moved? I can feel my bubble about to burst. Push me away because you think I feel too much or because you're too afraid. I know it's survival for you, but sometimes what we do to survive kills the things we love. I can't fight for you much more.
I feel you wanting to say something but holding it in, feeling the pressure. We're both collapsing. I melt when I'm in your presence, don't want to ruin the times I have with you. When I'm with you, I can breathe. It's the times in between and your arbitrary walls that are breaking me down. There are no fires, no screaming, no fighting. I may be in pieces, but I'm still unbroken.
*small edit in 2nd paragraph on 10/24/09
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A little distance sometimes lets us see clearer the things we don't want to face up when we are close. Moody piece!
ReplyDeleteLittle molecules of solvent breaking down the connections of wishful thinking that once were believed to be bonds to reveal their inevitable function as isolating membranes. Filling in all the blanks with rosy glasses, grading the test paper with a bean counter's countenance. The fallacy of faith. Excellent detection and exposure.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. Being ignored is sometimes worse than being acknowledged even if the acknowledgement is negative.
ReplyDeleteI edited/added to the 2nd paragraph a touch.
ReplyDeleteWings - I'm a moody kind of girl, I guess!
Yodood - Believing in people unconditionally is the best and worst thing I do. They always let me down, but I'm glad I give them the chance not to.
Baino - Thanks. And you're exactly right.
I do not rely on others all that much. I am very skeptical of peoples intentions.
ReplyDeletemmm....heartrending take on the theme...the back and forth teases the heart until it stops feeling the sensation.
ReplyDeleteIf there is so much time between moments of true intimacy- the times one can breathe- then the relationship is a suffocating one.
ReplyDeleteWell written Jelly.
This is like the never-ending story... but without a cool flying dragon.
ReplyDelete