Diary

Yes, this is my diary. I know I'm not as unknown as I'd like to be. So I leave out names while I tell my tales - through poems, fiction, and non-fiction. There is truth and experience in everything I write.

I typically only write when I am in despair or sadness. I wish I could write when I'm happy, but then, there's nothing to write about. I write as therapy. I absolutely hate writing when I have nothing I need to therapy myself out of.

I don't know why I'm so affected by this situation. I can't even put into words what this relationship and it's potential meant to me. It was a lot of firsts. First time I dated someone in a long time without sleeping with him first. In fact, I never slept with this guy. He stayed over a few times, but it never went there. It seemed like a respect thing. First person I dated who had been married before. First person who had a kid. First person who didn't just tell me all the things I wanted to hear to get into my pants. First non-musician.

I just miss him.

Vacillating

Vacillating
Hope and Despair
Silence
Cruel and Deserved
Unknown
Pray and Learn
Dream
Vivid and Sad
Breath
Labored and Painful
Vacillating
Despair and Hope

Thursday

Yesterday was ok. I was able to breathe. Today, my chest is tight and anticipation is high. Today, his daughter will go to her mom's. Today is the first he could speak to me without her around. Today, I know he won't contact me, but I so wish...

I cannot believe how much I've prayed about this situation. I've learned that I need to be better at truly appreciating the wonderful people in my life... My kids, my friends, my neighbors, my family, my boss, my clients. I have so much to be thankful for.

And for the first time in 3.5 years, I know now that I would like to share my life and my blessings with someone.

Maybe it's not him. But I was open to the possibility with him, and that was profound.

I pray for acceptance of what was, what is, and what will be. I pray to have my eyes, mind, and heart open enough to receive whatever lesson I am to learn. I pray that I won't make the same mistakes over and over again. And, yes, I do pray for a second chance with him.

Tuesday

It's been a week since the last I heard from him and a week and a half since we last spoke conversationally or even argumentatively.

I'm flailing. Today, I woke up with a damp pillow and a salt crust in my eyes. I must have cried in my sleep, but I don't remember the dream or even if I was dreaming.

Today, tears flowed as easily from my eyes as they did the first few days...

Today, I also found out that my ex was shot... This is two weeks after he was hit by an IED... And another two weeks since the first time he was shot at... He's only been gone 8 weeks...

Today, I think has been the roughest day so far for me. I feel so confused and like I don't know who he was at all or who I am either.

I still get the feeling that this silence is cruel. I hope that he is processing something out of his system (like his ex) that he can't have me clouding his way about... It's pretty damn wishful, I know.

Today, I feel pathetic.

Lost

I thought I was doing better, that I was coming to a place of acceptance. But I had really held out a pretty intense hope that he would call last night. Or something. He "liked" a picture I posted of my favorite quote.

I feel so lost. He was the one so confident that this was the relationship for him that was going to last, that we were going to be together and that our girls were going to be great friends and terrors for us.

He was the one making future plans about my house and the work he could do to it. He hinted at marriage. He said we had all the time in the world. Does he still think that? Is that why he is taking so long to process?

He has never been one to shy from telling me anything. He always said that if he felt this way or that, he'd tell me. But he's not talking to me. Maybe that's the answer, but it's just not like him not to just come out and say...

Even if the answer is that we are done, I just would like either that finality or if the answer is that he still needs more time... I would be happy to wait. He's worth it.

I don't think I've prayed harder for anything else besides my grandmother's swift journey home. I don't pray for him to come back, although I know God knows that's what I desire. I pray for patience, acceptance, understanding, and to know the lesson He wants me to learn.

I genuinely turned much of my life circumstances over to God a few months ago... And the moment that I quit trusting Him and started trying to take control is when everything fell apart...  Not just with the man, but other areas as well...

I know God will provide. I know He will show me the way. I just hope my eyes and heart are open enough to see...

Hope

In less than 12 hours, it will be a week since I've had any conversation with my... Well, I don't know what the fuck he is now. The only thing I've heard from him was a short text on Wednesday that said,

"I know you are an awesome person. And I know you don't agree with how I process. Just wanted you to know that I do think you're awesome."

I don't know what that is supposed to tell me. I'm awesome, I suppose. It's the middle sentence that gets me. I don't know if he's still processing things or if he has processed. I don't understand why processing means no communication whatsoever. I just don't understand.

I feel weak all the time and just want to text or call or fb message him. I mean, two months of constant, and I mean constant contact. It was rare for us to go more than 15 minutes without texting each other unless we were working or sleeping - and even during work, it was still pretty constant.

And then BAM. Nothing.

No more "Good morning sunshine" or "Goodnight doll" or "What's my beautiful band geek doing right now?" or "Muah" or "mmmhmmm" or anything.

Just silence.

And it is deafening. And surprisingly painful. And incredibly sad.

No more innuendos about our future together, no more talk about how our girls will be forces to be reckoned with, no more sweet jokes about how we waited over a year for each other.

Two months. And POOF. Gone. Erased. By my hand.

After everything, I know that all the things that I was upset I wasn't getting, I would be getting if we stayed together and I was patient. It all would have come to me. All I had to do was be patient and appreciative. And I just did not see that at all. He did. He knew. He was confident and committed. I was insecure and pushy. I was unhappy, not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because I was not in control, and I didn't (maybe still don't) know how to function in that world. To be with another person, I have to give up some of my control, and I really have never seen that until now, but that loss of control is terrifying to me. I want very much to learn how to deal with that. Maybe the fact that I'm even aware of it now will be the catalyst to get me there.

Part of me wants to think that if he is still thinking or processing that being completely silent is not something you do to someone you care about. It feels cruel. But the other part is trying desperately to understand that maybe he truly needs the time and space to figure out what he really wants. There are lots of other factors in his life that make this decision a difficult one for him - moreso than a similar one from me.

I hope he comes back. I hope we can communicate and compromise. I hope...

What To Say...

I wish that I could convey
In a less stoic way
What I soulfully wish to say

I'd say I'm sorry
I caused you so much worry
I don't want you to scurry

Compromise is really all
Learn to climb and not to fall
I really just wish you would call