There's always something about new love. What I have always wanted is for someone to love me and to fit in my box of love. I find them, pursue them, intrigue them, and then I try to make them love me. I have never immediately wanted someone who wanted me.
Until now.
It is the most terrifying love I have ever felt.
It feels safe and real and like it could be forever.
Don't get me wrong. I always fall fast. In lust. And then I try so hard to force things to work. I rationalize and I barter with myself and I work myself into a frenzy explaining to myself and others why unacceptable behaviors are acceptable... in this case.
One tiny difference is that my thought is usually... I can make this work.
And the truth is... No, I can't. I can't make anything work. It takes two people wholeheartedly "in" to make things work.
In 38 years, that thought has not occurred to me.
My heart is absolutely terrified. My brain is on overdrive right now. I'm completely scared out of my mind. It is maddening. I have all the thoughts all the time and my mind won't stop thinking of ways that I will fuck.this.up.
I'm looking for the thorns, I'm digging for them, almost praying for them. And I can't find them. How do I function if there are no thorns? How do I exist in a relationship where there is nothing broken for me to fix?
My heart is so happy, which makes me so afraid. I am afraid to love, afraid to be in love, afraid to be loved.
But without a shadow of a doubt, this man loves me. Every quirk, every neurotic thought or action, every irrational fear... He acts as though it is normal and ok. He does not get angry and defensive at my invasive questions or roll his eyes at my irrational fears. He talks me down, tells me he loves me, reassures me. His voice is comfort. His arms feel safe. He feels like home. I think this is home for me.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Al-Anon
Yup, it's been a long time since any of you have heard from me. It's been a long, strange road. This week, I took a very good friend of mine to rehab. That was after I took her to the ER because she was so drunk she tried, initially, to go up to the room she'd been in the month before for severe pancreatitis, and then she tried to triage herself. She was also very affectionate, which is neither here nor there except she does happen to be a lesbian, and I kept trying to tell the ER staff and security that her actual girlfriend was, in fact, on the way.
So, from ER to the local (crappy) rehab facility and then a few days til we were able to take her to a detox facility in TN that has a rehab/retreat facility that we intended her to attend. She's at her final rehab destination now, theoretically, and she seems way more ok with it than the rest of us are or could have even imagined that she would be.
But the real point of this blog is to say that Al-Anon saved me. It didn't save my life. Another friend, an ex, an almost inappropriate friend, helped save my life this summer, but Al-Anon saved ME.
This summer, the guy I've been seeing for the past (almost) three year and have had a serious, monogamous, real, Facebook official, head-over-heels in love type relationship with for the last two years and I broke up. He would say, and he wouldn't technically be wrong, that I broke up with him, but I would say that he left me because he didn't fight for me when I told him to leave. I have learned since then that that is unhealthy behavior. And insane.
There's been a lot the past three years. I knew I was in love with this man before we ever connected. I knew I was meant to be with this man the very first time we connected. And I know, every day, that this is the man God created for me and for whom God created me since shortly after that. So losing that was just not an option.
From the beginning, he told me he was an alcoholic (even though he's been sober for years). From the beginning, he encouraged me to go to Al-Anon (even though he's been sober for years). And from the beginning, I've resented this idea that I needed any kind of help (because he's been sober for years!).
But Al-Anon has saved me. It has saved me in so many ways that, today, I cannot get into the details about because I would go on and on and on and we don't have time for that today, but I will give you insights here and there along the way...
The point here is... My life is better. I'm even slightly less neurotic. And the most wonderful part is that I actually think I've helped someone else, and that's the most incredible thing I can ever do.
If someone you love is addicted to drugs or alcohol, and you feel like you're going crazy, or your friends are telling you you're crazy, or you feel out of control, find Al-Anon. It will help. Keep going back. It works if you work it.
So, from ER to the local (crappy) rehab facility and then a few days til we were able to take her to a detox facility in TN that has a rehab/retreat facility that we intended her to attend. She's at her final rehab destination now, theoretically, and she seems way more ok with it than the rest of us are or could have even imagined that she would be.
But the real point of this blog is to say that Al-Anon saved me. It didn't save my life. Another friend, an ex, an almost inappropriate friend, helped save my life this summer, but Al-Anon saved ME.
This summer, the guy I've been seeing for the past (almost) three year and have had a serious, monogamous, real, Facebook official, head-over-heels in love type relationship with for the last two years and I broke up. He would say, and he wouldn't technically be wrong, that I broke up with him, but I would say that he left me because he didn't fight for me when I told him to leave. I have learned since then that that is unhealthy behavior. And insane.
There's been a lot the past three years. I knew I was in love with this man before we ever connected. I knew I was meant to be with this man the very first time we connected. And I know, every day, that this is the man God created for me and for whom God created me since shortly after that. So losing that was just not an option.
From the beginning, he told me he was an alcoholic (even though he's been sober for years). From the beginning, he encouraged me to go to Al-Anon (even though he's been sober for years). And from the beginning, I've resented this idea that I needed any kind of help (because he's been sober for years!).
But Al-Anon has saved me. It has saved me in so many ways that, today, I cannot get into the details about because I would go on and on and on and we don't have time for that today, but I will give you insights here and there along the way...
The point here is... My life is better. I'm even slightly less neurotic. And the most wonderful part is that I actually think I've helped someone else, and that's the most incredible thing I can ever do.
If someone you love is addicted to drugs or alcohol, and you feel like you're going crazy, or your friends are telling you you're crazy, or you feel out of control, find Al-Anon. It will help. Keep going back. It works if you work it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Fall Broken
I fall for the broken
I see their wings
See through
Nothing left to catch the wave
of wind to find him soaring where
he imagined himself before
I breathe the ashes
I smell the soot
Bleak black
Smudgy singed edges from the fall
from which he thought he'd never
recover with himself intact
I taste the shattered
Lick their wounds
Salted rust
Lapping the dirty cuts of past
pains inflicted and reflected
My salve, a salvation?
I fall to the broken
I crack them more
Cold dirt
Ends my journey through hell
To pick up my bloody pieces
And fall again, again, again
I feel so inescapable
I fell for this man
Crooked man
Allowed me merge softly with him
We fall broken together often
Filling the other's broken (he)arts.
I see their wings
See through
Nothing left to catch the wave
of wind to find him soaring where
he imagined himself before
I breathe the ashes
I smell the soot
Bleak black
Smudgy singed edges from the fall
from which he thought he'd never
recover with himself intact
I taste the shattered
Lick their wounds
Salted rust
Lapping the dirty cuts of past
pains inflicted and reflected
My salve, a salvation?
I fall to the broken
I crack them more
Cold dirt
Ends my journey through hell
To pick up my bloody pieces
And fall again, again, again
I feel so inescapable
I fell for this man
Crooked man
Allowed me merge softly with him
We fall broken together often
Filling the other's broken (he)arts.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Lighthouse
You are my lighthouse
My beacon in the storm
Lighting my path
Showing my way
Illuminating my dark
You are my lighthouse
Standing tall
All alone
Peaking high
So I might have hope
You are my lighthouse
A phoenix in harsh waves
Overcoming storms
No matter how many storms rage
Your light shines on
My beacon in the storm
Lighting my path
Showing my way
Illuminating my dark
You are my lighthouse
Standing tall
All alone
Peaking high
So I might have hope
You are my lighthouse
A phoenix in harsh waves
Overcoming storms
No matter how many storms rage
Your light shines on
Friday, September 5, 2014
Learning to Pray
My last ex boyfriend - you know, the one from 2 years ago (has it really been that long!?) who I was so very devastated about losing?
It's true, I was so very devastated, but when I read my blogs from back then, the thing I notice is that from day one, I knew I was supposed to learn something - that he came into my life to teach me something so I could be better. I had hoped it was to be better for him, at the time, because when you're in those moments where you've been treated so badly for so long and then someone comes along and treats you like a princess - even if it is only for a couple of weeks - it's hard to imagine that anyone else could make you feel special or loved.
I felt special. I didn't feel loved.
What did I learn back then, and how does it apply now?
I learned that I am selfish and I love selfishly.
I learned that it is possible for me to be treated like a person of worth.
I learned that I push. And push. And push.
I learned that I need to be more patient, kind, and understanding, especially when I really want to be selfish.
I learned that he wasn't The One; he was just there to show me that there is hope for me, that I could be worth something to someone.
I learned that prayer is powerful. This is a different lesson from learning the power of prayer.
I'm still learning - especially that push thing. I wish I had an off button. And patience. I got really good at it for a while, when the current bf wasn't committed to me. I was so good at knowing that I had to wait until he knew that he wanted to be with me, but I thought that when he knew, it would just be all magical unicorns farting rainbows. Instead, I have to be patient about OTHER things! And every time one thing I'm patient about gets resolved, there's something ELSE to be patient about! And you know what? This one is worth it.
And through him, I've learned the power of prayer. And man, is it powerful! I've also learned that once God starts talking to you, and you start believing, and He starts really giving you positive things and then requests something of you that makes you feel uncomfortable so you don't really do it, He gets REALLY, REALLY loud. And kind of mad. And He'll mess up some of those things He gave you just enough so that you know that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain.
Like, really, Jelly? I gave you the love of your life and all I asked was that you pray together, and that was too much for you? Not that I'm a vengeful God or anything anymore, but I asked you nicely at first, and then I got a little louder and a little louder, and I know that praying out loud together isn't exactly the most comfortable thing in the whole wide world, but it's not like I'm asking you to cut off a finger or get swarmed with locusts or anything. I just asked you to pray. Out loud. Together. And since you're the one hearing Me, it's pretty much on you to make that happen. More importantly, this little request of mine, it's just going to make what I already gave you stronger and more powerful and more positive. It's win, win, win all day long. And you've put Me off for a year because it's UNCOMFORTABLE? There's famine and war and beheadings going on in the world right now and My request for you to pray together - SO THAT WHAT I GAVE YOU GETS EVEN STRONGER - makes you UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!? Give Me a break. I love you, but I'm out. Deuces.
That's pretty much what God did. And when I was on my knees praying for Him to help me understand what I was supposed to be learning, He was like... Um, yeah... That whole prayer thing? I still mean it.
Ok. Ok. I got it. I'll do it. And so I have. And it make me soooooo uncomfortable. But then I remember how much more uncomfortable I am when I DON'T do what He asks, and it's really a no-brainer. Plus, God gave me a seriously amazing gift - little 'ol me - all the while there's all this crud going on in the world. It's the least I could do.
Help. Thanks. Wow. Those are Ann Lamott's three essential prayers. The work. I probably use them in that order, but I want to get to where I'm more like... Wow. Thanks. Help.
I'm learning to pray. I'm learning the power of prayer. I'm learning that the more God is at the forefront of our relationship, the healthier, happier, calmer, and steadier it is. And that's amazing. I know what God wants and I know which path to take. I can't control anyone else, but I can do my part and hope that my partner sees the same path and takes it with me.
It's true, I was so very devastated, but when I read my blogs from back then, the thing I notice is that from day one, I knew I was supposed to learn something - that he came into my life to teach me something so I could be better. I had hoped it was to be better for him, at the time, because when you're in those moments where you've been treated so badly for so long and then someone comes along and treats you like a princess - even if it is only for a couple of weeks - it's hard to imagine that anyone else could make you feel special or loved.
I felt special. I didn't feel loved.
What did I learn back then, and how does it apply now?
I learned that I am selfish and I love selfishly.
I learned that it is possible for me to be treated like a person of worth.
I learned that I push. And push. And push.
I learned that I need to be more patient, kind, and understanding, especially when I really want to be selfish.
I learned that he wasn't The One; he was just there to show me that there is hope for me, that I could be worth something to someone.
I learned that prayer is powerful. This is a different lesson from learning the power of prayer.
I'm still learning - especially that push thing. I wish I had an off button. And patience. I got really good at it for a while, when the current bf wasn't committed to me. I was so good at knowing that I had to wait until he knew that he wanted to be with me, but I thought that when he knew, it would just be all magical unicorns farting rainbows. Instead, I have to be patient about OTHER things! And every time one thing I'm patient about gets resolved, there's something ELSE to be patient about! And you know what? This one is worth it.
And through him, I've learned the power of prayer. And man, is it powerful! I've also learned that once God starts talking to you, and you start believing, and He starts really giving you positive things and then requests something of you that makes you feel uncomfortable so you don't really do it, He gets REALLY, REALLY loud. And kind of mad. And He'll mess up some of those things He gave you just enough so that you know that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain.
Like, really, Jelly? I gave you the love of your life and all I asked was that you pray together, and that was too much for you? Not that I'm a vengeful God or anything anymore, but I asked you nicely at first, and then I got a little louder and a little louder, and I know that praying out loud together isn't exactly the most comfortable thing in the whole wide world, but it's not like I'm asking you to cut off a finger or get swarmed with locusts or anything. I just asked you to pray. Out loud. Together. And since you're the one hearing Me, it's pretty much on you to make that happen. More importantly, this little request of mine, it's just going to make what I already gave you stronger and more powerful and more positive. It's win, win, win all day long. And you've put Me off for a year because it's UNCOMFORTABLE? There's famine and war and beheadings going on in the world right now and My request for you to pray together - SO THAT WHAT I GAVE YOU GETS EVEN STRONGER - makes you UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!? Give Me a break. I love you, but I'm out. Deuces.
That's pretty much what God did. And when I was on my knees praying for Him to help me understand what I was supposed to be learning, He was like... Um, yeah... That whole prayer thing? I still mean it.
Ok. Ok. I got it. I'll do it. And so I have. And it make me soooooo uncomfortable. But then I remember how much more uncomfortable I am when I DON'T do what He asks, and it's really a no-brainer. Plus, God gave me a seriously amazing gift - little 'ol me - all the while there's all this crud going on in the world. It's the least I could do.
Help. Thanks. Wow. Those are Ann Lamott's three essential prayers. The work. I probably use them in that order, but I want to get to where I'm more like... Wow. Thanks. Help.
I'm learning to pray. I'm learning the power of prayer. I'm learning that the more God is at the forefront of our relationship, the healthier, happier, calmer, and steadier it is. And that's amazing. I know what God wants and I know which path to take. I can't control anyone else, but I can do my part and hope that my partner sees the same path and takes it with me.
Profound Love
I love you like I should not
Too deeply, I'm sure you'd say
Fearfully, timidly, sadly
Profound
Mired deep in your lonely eyes
I'm struggling one pace at a time
Only to fall short of your
Desire
Believe me in my sober days
Leave my drunken words to drown
Never mind my broken heart
Break
And if I'd know all you suffered
If I'd remember all those angers
Struggling, strangling, cowering
Drunk
Never will I say those words
Will I utter those grievances
In hatred's thorny presence
Bare
I am not my mother's daughter
When I will my spew to remain
For no fear is worth losing your
Love
Too deeply, I'm sure you'd say
Fearfully, timidly, sadly
Profound
Mired deep in your lonely eyes
I'm struggling one pace at a time
Only to fall short of your
Desire
Believe me in my sober days
Leave my drunken words to drown
Never mind my broken heart
Break
And if I'd know all you suffered
If I'd remember all those angers
Struggling, strangling, cowering
Drunk
Never will I say those words
Will I utter those grievances
In hatred's thorny presence
Bare
I am not my mother's daughter
When I will my spew to remain
For no fear is worth losing your
Love
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
(S)words
I know I am of the dangerous sort
Sour times and daggers thrown
Accurately aimed and piercing
I didn't mean to hurt you so
My words spewed venom to burn
Your heart broken breaks mine
Let me soothe your wounded skin
Salve your seared, sullen soul
I won't wound our love again
Please don't think me so cruel
That curse you felt tore me more
I broke myself in breaking you
Vengeful, misguided (s)words
Tongues are mightier, I'd say
Talented lips sadly quiver now
Every word with love and love
My vow to swallow sharp epee
Banish verbal blades with ease
Pray with me my love, forever
Leave my lashings by the sea
Bleed out loud, I wish to see
Prick the darkness out of me
Dull the verb-sharpened brand
So (s)words fall from you away
Sour times and daggers thrown
Accurately aimed and piercing
I didn't mean to hurt you so
My words spewed venom to burn
Your heart broken breaks mine
Let me soothe your wounded skin
Salve your seared, sullen soul
I won't wound our love again
Please don't think me so cruel
That curse you felt tore me more
I broke myself in breaking you
Vengeful, misguided (s)words
Tongues are mightier, I'd say
Talented lips sadly quiver now
Every word with love and love
My vow to swallow sharp epee
Banish verbal blades with ease
Pray with me my love, forever
Leave my lashings by the sea
Bleed out loud, I wish to see
Prick the darkness out of me
Dull the verb-sharpened brand
So (s)words fall from you away
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